Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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The Parking Spot 🤣
Meyer Davidovich was late for an important meeting, and couldn’t find parking. Two times, three times, four times he circled the block.
“Please, Lord, please! Find me a parking spot and I’ll give up gambling, and drinking, and lying! I’ll keep Shabbos! I’ll even go kosher!”
Immediately, a car pulls out in front of Meyer, and he zips into the open spot.
“Never mind, Lord! I already found one.”
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An Interfaith Conference 🤣
At an interfaith conference, a priest, a minister and a rabbi were asked, “What would you like people to say about you at your funeral?”
The priest said, “I hope they’ll say I cared for the weakest and most vulnerable members of our community.”
The minister said, “I hope they’ll say I inspired my flock to go out and make a difference in the world.”
The rabbi said, “I hope they’ll say, ‘Look, he’s breathing!'”
Will The Rabbi Try The Ham? 🤣
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding!”
Shabbos With A New Husband 🤣
A rabbi dies. After some time has passed, the congregation encourages his wife Sarah to marry again. The only available candidate is Moishe the butcher. Although reluctant, because she was used to living with a scholar, Sarah accepts and they are soon married.
On her first Friday afternoon as a new wife, Moishe tells Sarah, “My mother always said that before the start of Shabbos, it is a mitzvah to make love before going to shul.” So they do.
When they come back from shul, Moishe tells Sarah, “According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love as soon as you come back from shul.” They do.
When it’s time to go to sleep, Moishe says, “My grandfather told me that one should always make love late on Shabbos night.” So they do.
As soon as they awake in the morning, Moishe tells Sarah, “My aunt says that a pious Jew always starts the Shabbos day by making love.” And once again, they do.
Next day, Sunday, Sarah goes out to the market and meets a congregant who asks her, “So, Sarah, how is the new husband?”
“Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but Moishe comes from a wonderful family!”
Last Meal And Testament 🤣
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors said they had the right to one final meal before dying.
They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.
“Good French wine and and a baguette,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate, and then they executed him.
Next was the Italian’s turn. “Give me a big plate of pasta,” he said. They brought it, he ate, and they executed him.
Then came the Jew. “Please bring me a big bowl of strawberries,” he said.
“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”
“So, I’ll wait…”
Are You Jewish? 🤣
A woman on the F train turns to the man next to her.
“Excuse me,” she says, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replies the man.
A few minutes later the woman turns again.
“I’m sorry, but are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
A few more minutes go by.
“Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?”
“OK, fine. You win. Yes, I’m Jewish.”
“It’s funny,” she says.” You don’t look Jewish.”