LET MY PEOPLE LAUGH: The Greatest Jewish Jokes of All Time!
Β In LET MY PEOPLE LAUGH, director, producer, and humorist Sal Litvak takes the reader on a joyous journey through the rich tapestry of Jewish humor, where wit and wisdom intertwine in the most delightful ways. This collection of the funniest Jewish jokes of all time includes lists of the best jokes for particular situations like a wedding toast, business lunch, first date, fundraising speech, or any other occasion when you want to make people smile.
From the bustling streets of Brooklyn to the serene shtetls of Eastern Europe, Jewish humor has always been a cornerstone of the culture, a unique way to cope with adversity and celebrate life’s absurdities. This book captures that spirit, presenting jokes that have been passed down through generations, alongside contemporary classics that will leave you chuckling and nodding in agreement.
The perfect gift for anyone!
Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the worldβs best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Latest Jokes
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Silent Debate
In a medieval city, the bishop decides all Jews have to leave. They cry out in protest and get support from a few nobles, so the bishop proposes a religious debate with a Jew. If the Jew wins, they can all stay. If he loses, off with his head and the rest leave.
That night, the Jews are in tears. No one wants to deabte the bishop, who’s also a famous theologian. Finally, Yitzy the Stutterer volunteers. The rest of the Jews start packing.
On the big day, Yitzy says to the bishop, “E-e-e-veryone knows how b-b-brilliant you are, Your Eminence, and I’m j-j-j-just a simple Jew with s-s-s-stutter. So, let us d-d-debate in s-s-silence.”
“Very well.”
The bishop and Yitzy sit in two chairs facing one another, with hundreds of people watching. For a full minute they sit in silence, tension gripping the arena.
Then, the bishop raises his hand and shows three fingers.
Yitzy stares back and slowly raises one finger.
The bishop waves his hand in a circle around his head.
Yitzy points his finger at the ground.
The bishop beckons to an assistant, who brings him a wafer and a glass of wine. He shows these to Yitzy.
Yitzy pulls out an apple.
The bishop says, “He wins. The Jews can stay.”
That night in the cathedral, the bishop’s students ask him what happened.
“I had to concede, the man was too good. First, I held up three fingers to declare the Trinity. He responded with one finger for the one God common to all of us. I waved my hand around my head to show him that God is everywhere. He pointed to the ground to say God is not in some ambiguous ‘everywhere.’ God is here, now, watching our debate. So, I asked for the wine and wafer to show that God absolves me from sin. And that seemingly simple man pulled out an apple to remind me of Original Sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jews crowd against Yitzy the Stutterer at the victory party, begging to know it all meant.
“Well, f-f-first he said the J-J-Jews have three days to g-g-get out. I told him not a s-s-s-single one of us is leaving. He t-t-told me that this whole city would be c-c-cleared of J-J-Jews. I s-s-s-said I’m staying r-r-r-right here!”
“And then…?”
“N-n-n-no idea. He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”
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Weird Dream
This one is very Jewish so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it!
A man goes to see a psychiatrist. He says, “Doctor, I had the weirdest dream. I was talking to my mother, but she had your face. I was so freaked out I couldn’t get back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night. Finally, I got up at 7am, I grabbed some coffee and a donut, and I rushed over here. Doctor, what do you think the dream means?”
The doctor studies him for a moment. Then she says, “Coffee and a donut? This you call breakfast?”
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Rabbi’s Meaningful Custom
Avi has a non-Jewish friend who’s curious about Jewish customs. So he brings him to Shabbos services at his synagogue.
Afterward, the friend says, “That was beautiful. But I have some questions. When you all cover your eyes, what does that mean?”
Avi says, “That is the Shema prayer, we close our eyes to meditate on the absolute oneness of God. A oneness that contains everything.”
“And when you all rise on your toes three times, what does that mean?”
“That is when we imagine ourselves singing God’s praises alongside the ministering angels in heaven.”
“And when the rabbi stands up to deliver his sermon, he takes off his watch and puts it on the lectern in front of him, what does that mean?”
“That means nothing.”
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Girl Falls Into Lion Enclosure
A couple takes their daughter to the Central Park Zoo to see the lion.
She’s so excited, she’s reaching through the bars and she’s so small, she falls in the lion enclosure.
Parents are freaking out. A guy who’s passing by jumps over the fence, goes in, beats off the lion with a punch to the face, grabs the girl, send her over the fence and climbs back over.
Another guy who’s watching all of this walks up to this man and says, “You are a hero. I’m a reporter for The New York Times. Where did you learn to fight like that?”
He says, “In the IDF.”
Next day there’s a headline: Israeli Soldier Assaults Lion in Central Park Zoo and Steals Its Lunch.
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A Flood Cometh
A meteor is approaching the Earth. It will strike the Pacific Ocean in thirty days.
The world’s top scientists predict a cataclysmic flood that will wipe out most of the world’s population.
To calm the people, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and the Chief Rabbi of Israel appear on TV.
The Pope says, “My children, there is still time to accept Jesus as your savior.”
The Dalai Lama says, “My friends, we must find inner peace as we approach this calamity.”
The Chief Rabbi says, “My people, we have thirty days to figure out how to live underwater.”
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The Chazzan
This joke was heard in Shul on Shabbos in Denver, Colorado, from Mark Rafaeli, who said it was one of his father’s favorite jokes. It’s very Jewish, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it.
A young woman goes to her parents and announces she’s getting married.
Her mother says, “What’s his name?”
“Benji.”
Her father says, “And what does Benji do?”
“Benji is a Chazzan.”
“A Chazzan?! Over my dead body you’ll marry a singer.”
“Oh, Daddy, please. We love each other.”
“No.”
“At least hear him sing.”
“No.”
But she begs and begs until he finally agrees to visit the synagogue where Benji is Chazzan. After services, they walk out and her father says, “Okay, you can marry Benji.”
“Oh Daddy, thank you. What made you change your mind?”
“I heard Benji sing, and Benji is no Chazzan!”
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The Newest Technology
Max and Benny are golf buddies in Boca.
On the first tee, Max says, “I got a new hearing aid. Best in the market. I can hear what those people are saying 400 yards away. I can hear a crow breathe in a tree. I hear everything.”
Benny says, “Wow, what kind is it?”
“Quarter to 10.”
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The Prodigal Son Returns
During that window in time, when the Ivy League embraced Jews, Richard Goldstein grew up in New Haven, the son of prominent Yale professors.
He became a rising scholar himself, and he was invited to give an important lecture in front of the whole Yale faculty, the final test before being granted tenure alongside his parents.
On the biggest night of his life, he nervously placed his notes on the podium, and they all fell on the floor around him. And as he bent down to pick up his notes, he passed gas, explosively, and he was mortified to hear the fart amplified by the PA system at wall shaking level.
The audience gasped, and then suppressed its chuckles. Completely unnerved, Goldstein stammered through about half of his speech.
He gave up and ran off the stage, headed straight to his car, and roared off the Yale campus, never to return.
Many years later, his parents pass away, and he returns to tie up the estate. He’s sitting at a sidewalk cafe, reminiscing, when a young waiter brings his coffee.
“First time in New Haven?”
“Actually, I grew up here, but I moved away.”
“Do you visit often?”
“Not in years. Something happened, and I’ve been too embarrassed to return.”
“Well, sir, I may not have your life experience, but one thing I’ve learned is what seems embarrassing to me, most people don’t even notice, let alone remember. I bet that’s true for your incident too.”
“I suppose that’s possible, but I doubt it.”
“Was it a long time ago?”
“It’s been decades.”
“Before or after the Goldstein fart?”
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The Secret To Long Life
An 80 year old man goes in for a checkup.
The doctor says, “I’m amazed. How do you keep in such great shape?”
Guy says, “I’m a Jewish golfer. I get up before dawn, I pray, I play 18 holes, I have my schnapps. All is well.”
Doctor say, “That’s good, but you must have good genes. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father died? God forbid. He’s 99 years old. I played golf with him this morning. We had our schnapps, and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Jewish golfer.”
“Okay, but listen, the genes have gotta be part of it. How old was your grandfather when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather died? God forbid. He’s 118 years old. He loves his schnapps.”
“And I suppose he played golf with you today?”
“No, Grandpa couldn’t play today because he’s getting married tonight.”
“Getting married?! Why on Earth would a 118 year old man want to get married?”
“Who says he wants to? His mother made him!”
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Got Meat?
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, as in all communist countries, food shortages were common.
Rabinovich walks into a store and he says, “You don’t have any meat, do you?”
“No, we don’t have any fish. The store without any meat’s across the street.”
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