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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
 

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • Desert Island

    A religious Jew is shipwrecked and spends thirty years on a deserted island. Finally, a passing ship sees his bonfire and sends a rescue party. Thank God, he’s getting off the island!

    The captain of the ship is curious how this man spent thirty years living alone, so he goes ashore and gets a tour of the island. He sees the tools, the cooking utensils, the living accommodation, etc. He asks, “What did you do so that you wouldn’t go insane living alone for thirty years?”

    The old Jew says, “Let me show you.”

    The pair take a little path through the jungle and come to a clearing where there is a magnificent synagogue that looks like an old European cathedral.

    The captain says, “Oh, I see. It must have taken thirty years to have built this alone by hand.”

    The old Jew says, “No, actually it took me fifteen years. Let me show you what I did for the next fifteen.”

    They take another path through the jungle to another clearing and there’s another magnificent synagogue.

    The captain says, “I understand you needed to keep busy, but two synagogues? Why?”

    The old Jew says, “The first synagogue I pray in every day. The second synagogue, I would never step foot in that synagogue!”

    🤣

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  • The Train Ride

    A guy gets on a train and settles in for an hour-long ride. There’s an old Jewish man sitting next to him who says, “Oy! Am I thirsty. Oy! Am I thirsty.”

    The guy looks over at the old man and wonders, “Is this going to go on for an hour?”“Oy! Am I thirsty.”

    Realizing that it will go on, the guy reaches into his backpack, pulls out a bottle of water, and hands it to the old Jew, who drinks down the bottle. The man is quiet for about a minute and then… “Oy! Was I thirsty.”

    🤣

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  • Martin Waters III

    Back in the days when the New York Athletic Club was restricted – no Jews allowed – Milton Wasserstein wanted to join anyway, so he changed his name to Martin Waters III. He underwent surgery to give himself a less prominent nose, he traveled to England and studied with a tutor for a year to lose his accent, and, when he came back, he spent another year getting to know some members of the New York Athletic Club.

    Finally, it was time to come before the membership committee. The chairman asked him, “What is your name?”

    “Martin Waters III.”

    “Are you married, Mr. Waters?”

    “Oh yes. Dorothy and I have three lovely children. Babs is our youngest, Hunter is the middle child, and Martin Waters IV is our oldest.”

    “And your education?”

    “The usual places – Eton, Oxford.Young Martin is there now.”

    “Very good. And your religious affiliation?”

    “Oh, we’re goyim, of course.”

    🤣

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  • Saul’s Final Wish

    Old Saul Mankewitz is lying on his deathbed with his grandson Yossi at his side. Saul tells the boy, “Go down to the kitchen and get some of your grandmother’s rugelach, so that should be the last thing I taste in this world.”

    Five minutes later, Yossi returns empty handed and Saul asks, “Where is the rugelach?”

    The grandson replies, “Bubbe says she’s saving it for the shiva.”

    🤣

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  • New Guy At The Pool

    At a retirement community in Florida, Sadie Horowitz sees a new male resident relaxing by the pool. After quickly touching up her lipstick, she approaches him.

    “Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

    “Be my guest.”

    Sadie makes herself comfortable on the lounger.

    “So, what’s your name?” she asks.

    “Howie.”

    “And where are you from, Howie?”

    “Cleveland.”

    “Cleveland! My second cousin Irv Rubanowitz was born in Cincinnati!”

    “Hmm, don’t know him.”

    “Ah, you’re better off. Irv’s a schmuck. Anyway, how old are you?

    “Turning 75 next month.”

    “Ah a Libra! And what did you do in Cleveland?”

    “I was in prison.”

    “Prison! And can I ask what for?”

    “I was married to a woman who wouldn’t stop pestering me with inane questions, so I finally snapped and killed her with a knife, cut her up with a saw, and fed her to the bears. For this I spent 35 years in supermax.”

    Her eyes widen.

    “Ah,” Sadie says. “So you’re single?”

    🤣

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  • A Piece of Cake

    Yossi and Mendy are sitting at a table together and there are two pieces of cake left, a big one and a little one. They sit there for a while and finally Yossi takes the bigger piece of cake.

    Mendy: That wasn’t very generous of you!

    Yossi: Why, which one would you have taken?

    Mendy: I would have taken the smaller one, of course!

    Yossi: Well then you got it.

    🤣

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  • Wrong Way Driver 🤣

    A 90 year old man is driving down the freeway when his phone rings.

    “Morrie!” his wife says. “Be careful! I heard on the news there’s a lunatic driving the wrong direction on the I-5!”

    “What do you mean one lunatic?” says Morrie. “There are hundreds!”

    🤣

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  • All In Good Time! 🤣

    A poor man finds God while walking through a forest.

    “God, what is a million years like for you?”

    “My son, for me a million years is like a second.”

    “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

    “My son, a million dollars means nothing to me.”

    “So God, can I have a million dollars?”

    “In a second.”

    🤣

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    Image by David Bartus via Pexels

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  • Heir Seeks Wife 🤣

    Yitzy was a single guy living at home and working in the family business. When his father became ill, Yitzy discovered that he stood to inherit a large fortune upon his father’s death. So he decided he needed a wife with whom to share such a blessing.

    One evening in a restaurant, a beautiful woman captured his attention. Yitzy introduced himself.

    “I may seem like an average guy but in the near future, I stand to inherit 50 million dollars.”

    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

    Three days later, she became his stepmother.

    🤣

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  • The Beef Barley Soup 🤣

    Every day, Morrie has lunch in the same deli, and every day Morrie orders the beef barley soup.

    One day he gets his soup, and as the waiter starts walking away, Morrie says, “Come back here. Taste the soup.”

    “What’s wrong, Morrie? You’ve had that soup every day for 30 years.”

    “Taste the soup.”

    “Is it too salty?”

    “Taste the soup.”

    “Is it cold?”

    “Taste. The. Soup.”

    “Is there a fly in it, God forbid?”

    “Taste the soup!”

    “Okay, fine. I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”

    “Aha!”

    🤣

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