LET MY PEOPLE LAUGH: The Greatest Jewish Jokes of All Time!
In LET MY PEOPLE LAUGH, director, producer, and humorist Sal Litvak takes the reader on a joyous journey through the rich tapestry of Jewish humor, where wit and wisdom intertwine in the most delightful ways. This collection of the funniest Jewish jokes of all time includes lists of the best jokes for particular situations like a wedding toast, business lunch, first date, fundraising speech, or any other occasion when you want to make people smile.
From the bustling streets of Brooklyn to the serene shtetls of Eastern Europe, Jewish humor has always been a cornerstone of the culture, a unique way to cope with adversity and celebrate life’s absurdities. This book captures that spirit, presenting jokes that have been passed down through generations, alongside contemporary classics that will leave you chuckling and nodding in agreement.
Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
The Emperor of China needed a new Chief Samurai. He held tryouts and selected three finalists for the prestigious position.
The first finalist was a samurai from the south. He stepped forward and opened a small box, releasing a fly. The samurai drew his samurai sword, sliced the air, and the fly, split perfectly in two, fell dead to the ground.
The second finalist, a samurai from the north, came forward holding an even smaller box. He opened it and out flew a gnat. The samurai drew his sword, striked, and the gnat, split in two, fell dead to the ground.
The third finalist was Shimmy Yankowitz from Crown Heights, Brooklyn, carrying an old cigar box. Shimmy opened the box and out flew a bumble bee. He took out a very thin sword, striked, and the bumble bee flew away.
The emperor, annoyed, said, “What kind of skill is that? The bee did not die!”
Shimmy replied, “Of course not, sir. The circumcision is not intended to kill.”
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game. The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”
Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”
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A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”
The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The cantor says, “Kill me first.”
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Rabbi Goldberg has always had a secret urge to try pork, but he’s never given into it. One year, he goes on vacation to Hawaii and every night at the resort, they have a luau where they bring out delicious-smelling suckling pigs to serve to guests.
Rabbi Goldberg is incredibly tempted. “I’m so far away from home. Who’s going to know?” And so, he orders the suckling pig.
While he’s waiting for it to arrive, who should walk by but Mr. and Mrs. Pearlman from his congregation. “Rabbi Goldberg, so good to see you! Imagine running into you here.”
Anticipating the arrival of the pig, Rabbi Goldberg tries to make the conversation as short as possible, but it’s no use. The waiter arrives with a big silver tray containing a roast pig with an apple in its mouth and places it on the table in front of the rabbi.
The Perlmans look at the pig and then look at the rabbi.
The rabbi looks at the Perlmans and then looks at the pig. “This resort is so over the top. Imagine, I order an apple and this is how they bring it!”
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Four rabbis were having a Talmudic debate about an important matter regarding Jewish law. Everyone stated their case and then they voted. It was three to one against Rabbi Eliezer.
But Rabbi Eliezer was sure that he was right! He cried out to heaven, “God, please send a sign to prove that I am right!”
Out a clear blue sky, it suddenly began to snow. Rabbi Eliezer said “You see!?”
One of the other rabbis says, “So, it’s snowing in winter. This is a sign?”
Rabbi Eliezer said, “God, please make it clearer to them!”
Out of the sky, a massive icicle fell and split a tree in half. Rabbi Eliezer cried, “It’s a miracle!”
The second rabbi said, “An icicle from the sky. This you call a miracle?”
Before Rabbi Eleizer could appeal to God one more time, the sky darkened and a booming voice called out from heaven, “The law is according to Rabbi Eliezer.”
Eliezer says, “There! Now you see!”
The third rabbi says, “Meh. So now it’s three to two.”
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Two beggars are plying their trade outside the Vatican.
One has a basket with a Jewish star on it and a few pennies inside. The other has a basket with a cross on it; it’s overflowing with cash.
A priest comes walking out of the Vatican. He looks at the two beggars and takes pity on the one with a few pennies in his basket. “You know,” he tells the beggar, “Given where you are, maybe a basket with a Jewish star isn’t the best way to collect money.”
The beggar with the star turns to the beggar with the overflowing basket and says, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach us about marketing!”
Photo credit: Fabio Fistarol
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A rabbi and a Tel Aviv cab driver are in line to get into heaven. The rabbi is confident he’ll get in, while the cabbie is a little nervous. When they reach the gate, they both get in and the cabbie breathes a sigh of relief.
It’s time for them to be shown where they’ll be living for eternity. The rabbi is taken to a very nice duplex apartment in a nice building on a nice street. He walks out on his balcony and what does he see but the Tel Aviv cabbie being shown into a mansion on a hill.
The rabbi calls the front desk of heaven and says, “Not to complain, my place is very nice, but I dedicated my whole life to bringing my congregation closer to the Lord, yet the cabbie gets the mansion on the hill. What’s going on?”
The front desk tells him, “To be frank, Rabbi, when you were lecturing to your congregation, a lot of people were asleep. But when that cabbie was driving, everybody was praying!”
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