Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Shabbos With A New Husband 🤣
A rabbi dies. After some time has passed, the congregation encourages his wife Sarah to marry again. The only available candidate is Moishe the butcher. Although reluctant, because she was used to living with a scholar, Sarah accepts and they are soon married.
On her first Friday afternoon as a new wife, Moishe tells Sarah, “My mother always said that before the start of Shabbos, it is a mitzvah to make love before going to shul.” So they do.
When they come back from shul, Moishe tells Sarah, “According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love as soon as you come back from shul.” They do.
When it’s time to go to sleep, Moishe says, “My grandfather told me that one should always make love late on Shabbos night.” So they do.
As soon as they awake in the morning, Moishe tells Sarah, “My aunt says that a pious Jew always starts the Shabbos day by making love.” And once again, they do.
Next day, Sunday, Sarah goes out to the market and meets a congregant who asks her, “So, Sarah, how is the new husband?”
“Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but Moishe comes from a wonderful family!”
Last Meal And Testament 🤣
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors said they had the right to one final meal before dying.
They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.
“Good French wine and and a baguette,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate, and then they executed him.
Next was the Italian’s turn. “Give me a big plate of pasta,” he said. They brought it, he ate, and they executed him.
Then came the Jew. “Please bring me a big bowl of strawberries,” he said.
“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”
“So, I’ll wait…”
Are You Jewish? 🤣
A woman on the F train turns to the man next to her.
“Excuse me,” she says, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replies the man.
A few minutes later the woman turns again.
“I’m sorry, but are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
A few more minutes go by.
“Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?”
“OK, fine. You win. Yes, I’m Jewish.”
“It’s funny,” she says.” You don’t look Jewish.”