LET MY PEOPLE LAUGH: The Greatest Jewish Jokes of All Time!
In LET MY PEOPLE LAUGH, director, producer, and humorist Sal Litvak takes the reader on a joyous journey through the rich tapestry of Jewish humor, where wit and wisdom intertwine in the most delightful ways. This collection of the funniest Jewish jokes of all time includes lists of the best jokes for particular situations like a wedding toast, business lunch, first date, fundraising speech, or any other occasion when you want to make people smile.
From the bustling streets of Brooklyn to the serene shtetls of Eastern Europe, Jewish humor has always been a cornerstone of the culture, a unique way to cope with adversity and celebrate life’s absurdities. This book captures that spirit, presenting jokes that have been passed down through generations, alongside contemporary classics that will leave you chuckling and nodding in agreement.
Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
It’s been raining for days. The flood waters are rising. Moshe is on his porch, praying that the rain will stop. His neighbor stops by in a rowboat and says to Moshe, “We’re evacuating everyone! Get in the boat!”
Moshe replies, “Don’t worry about me, God will save me!”
The waters keep rising and Moshe is now on the second floor of his house. Someone comes by in a motorboat and says, “Moshe, get in the boat!”
Moshe replies, “Don’t worry about me. God will save me!”
The waters keep rising and Moshe is on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead with a ladder and a PA system. ‘Get on the ladder! Climb into the helicopter!”
Moshe says, “Don’t worry about me. God will save me!”
The waters continue to rise and Moshe eventually drowns. When he finds himself in heaven, Moshe says, “God, I was such a faithful Jew. I kept praying that you would save me. Why didn’t you?’
God answers, “I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?”
🤣
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Moskowitz is lying in bed at night. He can’t sleep.
“Everything happens to me,” he says to himself. “I finally get my house set up the way I like it and the landlord tells me I have to move out. I find a new place and the new landlord tells me I have to move in by tomorrow or he’s giving it away to someone else. And tonight there’s a huge blizzard! How am I going to get all my stuff to the new place tomorrow in the snow?? Wait a minute, my neighbor Goldberg has a sled. I can borrow Goldberg’s sled. But what if Goldberg won’t lend me his sled? Not lend me his sled?? I’ve been a model neighbor! I say hello to him every morning! I even lent him my lawnmower! Of course he’s going to lend me his sled! Yeah, but people are funny. What if he won’t lend me his sled? In my hour of need, he’s not going to lend me his sled? When my life is basically over if he doesn’t lend me his sled?! Who does he think he is, not lending me his sled?”
Moskowitz gets so worked up, he puts on his boots, trudges through the snow, and bangs on Goldberg’s door at 2 a.m.
Goldberg finally opens the door and rubbing his eyes asks, “What’s going on?”
Moskowitz, red in the face, yells back: “Goldberg, you can keep your stinkin’ sled!”
🤣
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A Jewish woman is walking on the beach with her little grandson. Suddenly a huge wave sweeps the boy out to sea. Desperate, the woman looks up to heaven and says, “God, please rescue my grandson, my only grandson, the light of my life!”
Miraculously, the next big wave deposits the little boy at her feet, completely unharmed.
She looks up to heaven and says, “He had a hat!”
🤣
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Moshe is going through a rough spot in his life. His business isn’t doing well, he’s got a bunch of kids to feed, and his wife is pressuring him.
Every morning, he goes to synagogue and prays, “Please, God, let me win the lottery. Nothing else can fix my life like winning the lottery.” Morning after morning after morning he prays “Please, God, let me win the lottery!”
Finally, he receives an answer. In the middle of his prayers, God speaks to him and says, “Moshe, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket!”
🤣
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Sharon Leibowitz has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. While she’s on the operating table, her heart stops and her soul departs from her body. Sharon appears before God and asks, “God, is that it?” God answers, “No, you have another 30 years to go, Sharon. Enjoy your life.”
Back in the operating room, the electric shocks work and Sharon regains consciousness. She’s overjoyed by her new lease on life. While she’s in the hospital, she decides to make the most of it: tummy tuck, liposuction, breast augmentation. She brings in a hair stylist, beautician, and fashion consultant for a complete makeover.
When Sharon leaves the hospital, she looks spectacular. She steps out into the street, and gets run over by an ambulance and is killed instantly. Her soul goes back to heaven and again she comes before God. She says, “God, what happened? You told me I had another 30 years. Why didn’t you save me?”
God says, “Sharon, I didn’t recognize you.”
🤣
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a long plane ride and they get to talking. After a couple of hours, the priest says to the rabbi, “Tell me, Rabbi, did you ever in all your years succumb to temptation and try a little ham?”
The rabbi says, “You know what, Father? I will confess. I was so curious about it, I once had a ham sandwich.”
Another hour goes by and the rabbi feels comfortable enough to ask the priest, “Father, tell me, in all your years, did you ever succumb to temptation and see what it was like to be with a woman?”
The priest says, “Rabbi, I’m going to tell you the truth. Yes, one time I gave in and experienced the joys of the flesh.”
The rabbi says, “So, Father, beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, eh?”
🤣
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An old man enters a church and goes to confession. The priest slides back the window and the old man says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I’m 80 years old and earlier this week I was walking home from the library when a car pulled up with two young ladies in it. They said they were on spring break and they asked for directions. We got into a conversation and they offered me a ride home. On the way, they asked me how old I am. When they learned that I’m 80 years old, they asked “When’s the last time you had sex?” When I told them it’s been years, they asked me if I’d like to have a good time. I said sure, so they came into my apartment and for the next two nights and the day in between, hoo whee! They’re still there and they told me that when I get home, they’re going to show me things that a man and a woman can do that I never dreamed of. So that’s my confession.”
“I see,” says the priest. “Tell me, when is the last time you made a confession?”
“Oh, this is my first time, Father.”
“You’re 80 years old and you’ve never made confession before?”
“No, I’m Jewish.”
“Well, in that case, why are you telling me all this?”
“Father, I’m telling everybody!”
🤣
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A boy shows up at synagogue on Yom Kippur without a ticket and the usher won’t let him in. “But I’m not staying, I just need to to talk to my mother!” “Okay,” the usher says, “But if I catch you praying, you’re out!”
🤣
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A religious Jew is shipwrecked and spends thirty years on a deserted island. Finally, a passing ship sees his bonfire and sends a rescue party. Thank God, he’s getting off the island!
The captain of the ship is curious how this man spent thirty years living alone, so he goes ashore and gets a tour of the island. He sees the tools, the cooking utensils, the living accommodation, etc. He asks, “What did you do so that you wouldn’t go insane living alone for thirty years?”
The old Jew says, “Let me show you.”
The pair take a little path through the jungle and come to a clearing where there is a magnificent synagogue that looks like an old European cathedral.
The captain says, “Oh, I see. It must have taken thirty years to have built this alone by hand.”
The old Jew says, “No, actually it took me fifteen years. Let me show you what I did for the next fifteen.”
They take another path through the jungle to another clearing and there’s another magnificent synagogue.
The captain says, “I understand you needed to keep busy, but two synagogues? Why?”
The old Jew says, “The first synagogue I pray in every day. The second synagogue, I would never step foot in that place!”
🤣
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