Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • Before You I Am Nothing

    During Yom Kippur services the rabbi raises his arms to the heavens and cries out, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”

    The cantor, upon seeing this, beats his chest and shouts, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”

    Inspired by this display, an ordinary Jew at the back of the room stands and proclaims, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”

    The rabbi turns to the cantor and says scornfully, “Hmph. Look who thinks he’s nothing!”


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  • Poker Game

    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game. The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”

    Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”

    The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”

    Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”

    The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”

    “Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”


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  • Soviet Shoe Repair

    Back in the days of the Soviet Union, Yitzi brings his shoes in for a repair.

    The shoe repairman tells him, “They’ll be ready in ten years.”

    “Ten years from today?”

    “Ten years from today.”

    “That’s no good. I’ve got the plumber coming.”


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  • Captured By Cannibals

    A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”

    The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”

    The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”

    The cantor says, “Kill me first.”


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  • Rabbi in Hawaii

    Rabbi Goldfarb has always had a secret urge to try pork, but he’s never given into it.

    He goes on vacation to Hawaii and every night at the resort, they have a luau where they bring out delicious-smelling suckling pigs to serve to guests.

    Rabbi Goldfarb is incredibly tempted. “I’m so far away from home. Who’s going to know?” And so, he orders the suckling pig.

    While he’s waiting for it to arrive, who should walk by but Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg from his congregation. “Rabbi Goldfarb, so good to see you! Imagine running into you here.”

    Anticipating the arrival of the pig, Rabbi Goldfarb tries to make the conversation as short as possible, but it’s no use. The waiter arrives with a big silver tray containing a roast pig with an apple in its mouth and places it on the table in front of the rabbi.

    The Rosenbergs look at the pig and then look at the rabbi.

    The rabbi looks at the Rosenbergs and then looks at the pig. “This resort is so over the top. Imagine, I order an apple and this is how they bring it!”


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  • The Great Debate

    Four rabbis were having a Talmudic debate about an important matter regarding Jewish law. Everyone stated their case and then they voted. It was three to one against Rabbi Eliezer.

    But Rabbi Eliezer was sure that he was right! He cried out to heaven, “God, please send a sign to prove that I am right!”

    Out a clear blue sky, it suddenly began to snow. Rabbi Eliezer said “You see!?”

    One of the other rabbis says, “So, it’s snowing in winter. This is a sign?”

    Rabbi Eliezer said, “God, please make it clearer to them!”

    Out of the sky, a massive icicle fell and split a tree in half. Rabbi Eliezer cried, “It’s a miracle!”

    The second rabbi said, “An icicle from the sky. This you call a miracle?”

    Before Rabbi Eleizer could appeal to God one more time, the sky darkened and a booming voice called out from heaven, “The law is according to Rabbi Eliezer.”

    Eliezer says, “There! Now you see!”

    The third rabbi says, “Meh. So now it’s three to two.”


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  • Three Brothers, Three Beers

    Abe, Solly, and Moshe Levine are three brothers who have emigrated to different countries. Abe is in New York, Solly is in London, and Moshe is in Sydney. They agree to honor their brotherhood by drinking a beer for each other every week.

    So Solly goes to the same London pub every Monday night, orders three beers, and sits in the corner, thinking of his brothers.

    The regulars get to know him and they understand why he orders three beers on the same day every week.

    One Monday, Solly comes into the pub and he only orders two beers. The regulars are concerned. Finally, the bartender says to Solly, “You only ordered two beers. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

    “No,” replies Solly. “I just decided to give up drinking.”


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  • Blind Man on Passover

    A blind man is sitting on a park bench when a Rabbi sits down next to him. It’s Passover, and the Rabbi takes out a piece of matzah and starts eating. Feeling friendly, the Rabbi offers a piece of the perforated cracker to his sightless neighbor. After a moment, the blind man turns to the Rabbi and says, “Who wrote this garbage?”


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  • Beggars at the Vatican

    Two beggars are plying their trade outside the Vatican.

    One has a basket with a Jewish star on it and a few pennies inside. The other has a basket with a cross on it; it’s overflowing with cash.

    A priest comes walking out of the Vatican. He looks at the two beggars and takes pity on the one with a few pennies in his basket. “You know,” he tells the beggar, “Given where you are, maybe a basket with a Jewish star isn’t the best way to collect money.”

    The beggar with the star turns to the beggar with the overflowing basket and says, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach us about marketing!”

    Photo credit: Fabio Fistarol


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  • The Rabbi and the Cabbie

    A rabbi and a Tel Aviv cab driver are in line to get into heaven. The rabbi is confident he’ll get in, while the cabbie is a little nervous. When they reach the gate, they both get in and the cabbie breathes a sigh of relief.

    It’s time for them to be shown where they’ll be living for eternity. The rabbi is taken to a very nice duplex apartment in a nice building on a nice street. He walks out on his balcony and what does he see but the Tel Aviv cabbie being shown into a mansion on a hill.

    The rabbi calls the front desk of heaven and says, “Not to complain, my place is very nice, but I dedicated my whole life to bringing my congregation closer to the Lord, yet the cabbie gets the mansion on the hill. What’s going on?”

    The front desk tells him, “To be frank, Rabbi, when you were lecturing to your congregation, a lot of people were asleep. But when that cabbie was driving, everybody was praying!”


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