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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes


Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

 

Latest Jokes

  • Business Experience 🤣

    Diamond runs into his pal Goldberg at the mall.

    “Goldberg, it’s been months! How’s that new company going with Silverman?”

    “Well, like I told you we formed it, I put in the money and Silverman put in the business experience. Since then, things have changed.”

    “Changed? What do you mean?”

    “Now Silverman has the money and I have the business experience.”

    🤣

    Image: the pic is a story in itself! The Jewish Al Capones, Hirshie, Max and Davie Miller.

  • Two Beggars Sit Outside The Vatican…🤣

    Two beggars are sitting outside the Vatican. One displays a large cross, the other a Jewish star.

    The beggar with the cross has a cup overflowing with money, while the Jewish beggar has only a few coins.

    A priest walks by and notices the disparity. He approaches the Jewish beggar.

    “Excuse me, but you do realize this is the center of the Catholic world? You’ll never raise money with that Star of David on your cup.”

    The beggar with the star turns to the one with the cross and says, “Moishe, look who’s teaching us about marketing!”

    🤣

  • Einstein’s Theory of Relativity 🤣

    Few people understand what Einstein discovered. Even fewer understood it while he lived.

    A crusty old Jew from the old country once asked his grandson what all the fuss was about.

    “Professor Einstein is the greatest living scientist,” his grandson replied.

    “This I have heard, but what did he invent?”

    “The Theory of Relativity.”

    “And you do what with it?”

    “It’s pretty complicated, Grandpa.”

    “It wasn’t complicated getting away from the Nazis? Tell it to me!”

    “Let me put it this way… if a guy’s girlfriend sits on his lap, an hour feels like a minute. But if the same guy sits on a hot stove, a minute feels like an hour. That’s the Theory of Relativity.”

    “Hmph. And from this your Einstein makes a living?”

    🤣

  • A Rabbi, A Hindu Priest, And A Politician Went Hiking 🤣

    A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

    They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

    The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

    The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

    The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.

    “So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

    The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.

    The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

    “So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

    The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

    The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

    🤣

  • The Aisle Seat 🤣

    Old Sid Finkel was very particular about air travel. He specifically asked the airline for a window seat. When the time came to check in, however, he was given an aisle seat. All his complaints met with, “Sorry sir, there’s nothing we can do.”

    During the entire trip, he fidgeted, squirmed and kvetched. When the plane landed Syd went straight to customer service.

    “I specifically asked for a window seat! I got hit by the drink cart. There was a man snoring across the aisle. A child spilled juice on me. It was miserable! Now I specifically asked for a window seat when I purchased the ticket and your airline told me I would get one. But see! Look at my boarding pass. Aisle seat.”

    “I’m very sorry, sir. Did you by any chance try to trade seats with the person sitting next to you?”

    “That was impossible!”

    “Why, sir?”

    “Because there was nobody in that seat!”

    🤣

    Image by Todd Lappin

  • Napoleon’s Jewish Commander 🤣

    After winning a battle that vastly expanded his empire, Napoleon summoned his commanders to a celebration.

    “Gentlemen, today I reward your courage! Ask and it shall be granted!”

    The Bavarian commander said, “Autonomy for Bavaria!”

    “So it shall be!”

    The Slovakian commander said, “Liberty for Slovakia!”

    “So it shall be!”

    And so it went for the Arabian and the Ukrainian generals.

    Finally, the commander of the Jewish legion stepped forward.

    “And what for you, my loyal friend?”

    “I would like a cup of hot coffee with milk and no sugar, two bagels with cream cheese, and some lox on the side.”

    “Bring my friend his breakfast immediately!”

    As the Jewish commander sat down to eat, the other commanders gaped in amazement.

    “You fool!” said the Bavarian commander. “Why make such a stupid request? You could have asked for a nation, or riches and power! Why waste your wish on bagels?”

    “At least I got what I asked for.”

    🤣

    Adapted from Two Bagels on Philip Chircop’s blog.

  • The Richest Man In Town Dies 🤣

    The richest man in town dies. Many, many mourners come to his funeral.

    Among them, the rabbi notices Mendy, a poor tailor, crying as if his heart is shattered.

    “I see how difficult this is for you, Mendy. Were you closely related to the deceased?”

    “No,” says Mendy, choking back a sob. “I wasn’t related at all!”

    “But then why do you weep?”

    “That’s why!”

    🤣

    Image: Sholem Alecheim’s funeral in New York City, 1916, via WikiCommons

  • Shlomo, Why Are You Reading An Arab Newspaper? 🤣

    We have to laugh during tough times, because that’s what Jews do.

    Shlomo is on the train reading a newspaper, when his friend Mendel walks in.

    “Shlomo, why on earth are you reading an Arab paper?”

    “When I read the Jewish papers, all I find is Jews under attack, synagogues under attack, Israel under attack. But when I read the Arab papers, what do I find? Jews control the media, Jews control the government, Jews rule the world. Mendel, the news is much better!”

    🤣

    Image: Jack Klugman in my first film, When Do We Eat?

  • “I vont to go India and see de guru.” 🤣

    Jews are very spiritual people. Sometimes, a Jew doesn’t realize how rich our own spiritual tradition is, and seeks enlightenment elsewhere…

    Back in the 1980’s, Mitzi Feingold, an aging lady with a Yiddish accent, called her travel agent.

    “I vont go to India and see de guru.”

    “Mitzi, not India! It’s crowded, hot, and too difficult for a lady alone.”

    “I vont go to India and see de guru.”

    “What will you eat? The food is too spicy. You can’t drink the water. You’ll get typhoid, malaria… Why torture yourself?”

    “I vont go to India and see de guru.”

    The agent shakes his head, and makes the arrangements.

    Mitzi arrives in India. Undeterred by the crowds, she makes her way to the ashram.

    She joins an enormous line of people waiting to see the guru. His assistant tells her that it will take at least three days to reach the guru.

    “Dat’s OK.”

    Eventually she reaches the the golden door. The aide tells her firmly, “You can only say three words.”

    “Dat’s OK.”

    She is ushered into the inner sanctum. The wise guru is seated, bestowing spiritual blessings on the eager visitors ahead of Mitzi.

    Just before she reaches him, the aide reminds her, “Remember, only three words.”

    She reaches the guru, looks him straight in the eye, and says: “Hershel, come home.”

    🤣

    Image: the former Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Dalai Lama

  • An Anti-Semite Walks Into A Bar 🤣

    An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn’t like it.

    “Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!”

    Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

    The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

    The Jew smiles back.

    The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

    “Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a burger!”

    He looks directly at the Jew and adds, “Everyone except the Jew.”

    The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

    Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, “Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?”

    “Oh no, sir, he’s the owner.”

    🤣

    Image: Andy Harrington, the oldest bartender in America, 1947. Courtesy Boston Public Library

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