Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Lazer The Ugly Butcher Gets A Date! 🤣
Rivky the matchmaker comes to see Lazer the ugly butcher.
“What can I get for you today, Rivky? Maybe a nice brisket?”
“No, Lazer, today I’m here for you!”
“For me? Don’t tell me, after all these years, you have a match for me?”
“I can only imagine what she looks like.”
“Take a look at her picture.”
“Oh my goodness, she’s beautiful!”
“Not only is she beautiful, she’s rich! And you are going on a date with her Saturday night!”
“Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that even with my ugly face I’m going out with this beautiful woman, this Saturday night. And she’s rich?”
“Wow. She must be crazy.”
“Vell, you can’t have everything.”
Watch Sal Tell It!
Don’t Drink, Don’t Smoke 🤣
While walking in Brooklyn, Yitzy was approached by a shabby derelict.
“Mister, can you spare two dollars so I can buy dinner?”
Yitzy took out two dollars and asked, “If I give you this, will you use it to buy whisky?”
“No, I stopped drinking years ago.”
“Will you use it to gamble?”
“I don’t gamble. I’m just trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on golf?”
“I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend it on cigarettes?”
“I quit years ago when the price shot up.”
Yitzy thought for a moment, and said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. I’m gonna take you home for a terrific dinner, cooked by my wife.”
“Really? That’d be awesome, but won’t your wife be angry? I know I’m dirty, and I smell pretty bad.”
“Brother, that’s OK. I just want my wife to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, smoking and golf.”
Watch Sal Tell It!
Image by fikret kabay via Pexels
God and Grandma 🤣
A Jewish grandmother and her four year old grandson are walking along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolls in, sweeping the little boy out to sea.
“Oh, God! This is my only grandson! I can’t lose him! My life would have no meaning without him! Please, God, bring him back! PLEASE!”
Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolls in and deposits the boy on the sand, safe and sound.
His grandmother looks up and says, “He had a hat!”
Her New Apartment 🤣
Mitzy moves into a new apartment, and calls her best friend Elsie.
“Come see my new place!”
“I’d love to! Where do you live?”
“780 East 86th Street. You’ll get off the train at 86th, and you’ll see a big red building as soon as you leave the station. You’ll open the the outer door with your right elbow, then in the vestibule, you’ll ring 3A with your left elbow. After I buzz you in, you’ll open the main door with right elbow. Then you’ll walk through the lobby to the elevator, press the call button with your left elbow, get inside, and press number 3 with your right elbow. You’ll make a right when you get off and you’ll see 3A on the first door. You’ll ring my bell with your left elbow, and then I’ll scream for joy when I see you!”
“I’m excited to see you too! But, Mitzy, what’s with all the elbows?”
“What, you’re coming empty-handed?”
Watch Sal and Nina Tell It!
Selling Ties To The Taliban 🤣
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something in the distance.
Praying it wasn’t a mirage, he hurried toward the object only to find a little old Jew standing beside his weathered display rack, selling ties.
The terrorist blurted, “Give me water!”
The old man replied, “Sorry, no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.”
The terrorist screamed, “Idiot! Infidel! I don’t need an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties! I need water!”
“Sorry, no water, just ties. Pure silk, and only $5.”
“Fah! A curse on your ties! I’d twist one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must save my strength and find water!”
“Nu,” said the little old Jew, “so you don’t want to buy a tie from me, and you hate me, call me infidel and threaten my life. But I’m bigger than all of that, so I’ll tell you that if you go west, over that hill for about two miles, you’ll find a restaurant. They serve the finest food and all the ice-cold water you could ever drink. Go in peace.”
Grumbling another curse, the desperate Taliban terrorist staggered west, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, nearly dead, and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!”
Watch Sal Tell It!
Image: Eddie Jaku, Auschwitz survivor and 100 years young.
She Was Always By His Side 🤣
Max Goldfarb lies on his death bed. He turns to his wife.
“Mitzy, you’ve always been by my side.”
“When I broke my leg at 25, you were by my side.”
“When I had my heart attack at 45, you were by my side.”
“When I had my second heart attack at 65, you were by my side.”
“When I broke my hip at 75, you were by my side.”
“And now when I’m dying, you’re at my side. Mitzy…”
“…you’re a jinx!!”
Watch Sal Tell It!
The Rabbi Played Golf on Yom Kippur 🤣
The rabbi was so addicted to golf that he snuck out to play between the morning and afternoon services on Yom Kippur.
Up in Heaven, Moses said, “What a disgrace. A Jew playing golf on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi to boot!”
The Almighty responded, “I’m going to teach him a lesson.”
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee and bombed his drive down the fairway. His ball bounced off a sprinkler head, cart path and bunker rake, hit the green and rolled into the cup.
“This is how You teach him a lesson, Lord? He got a hole in one!“
“Sure, but who’s he going to tell?”
Watch Sal Tell it!
Image: The bishop has the round of his life in the movie Caddyshack.
LOJL Gets Pulled Over For Speeding 🤣
A little old Jewish lady (LOJL) gets pulled over for speeding.
“Is there a problem, officer?”
“Yes, ma’am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
“I’d give it to you, but I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.”
“I see. Vehicle registration please.”
“No, can’t do that either. This car is stolen.”
“You stole it?”
“Yes, and I killed the owner.”
“Killed him and dismembered him. His body parts are in the trunk in plastic bags.”
The officer calls for back-up. Within minutes, six police cars circle the LOJL’s car. A senior officer slowly approaches with his hand on his gun.
“Ma’am, step out of your vehicle please!”
The LOJL steps out of her vehicle.
“Is there a problem, sir?”
“My patrol officer said you stole this car and murdered its owner.”
“Stole the car and murdered the owner!?”
“Yes. Open the trunk of your car, please.”
The LOJL opens the trunk. It’s empty.
“Is this your car, ma’am?”
“Yes, here’s the registration.”
“My patrol officer said you lost your license?”
“No, here it is.”
The senior officer examines the LOJL’s license.
“Sorry for the misunderstanding, ma’am. For some reason, my patrol officer reported that you lost your license for DUI, stole this car, and that you murdered and dismembered its owner.”
“Wow. I bet that lunatic told you I was speeding, too.”
Image: fashion icon Iris Apfel, who at 99 has attitude to spare!
The Pretzel Lady 🤣
An old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents. Each day, a young businessman would pass her pretzel stand around lunchtime and leave her a quarter without taking a pretzel.
This went on for three years, without a word passing between them.
One day, the young businessman left his quarter as usual, and the pretzel lady spoke up for the first time.
“Sir, I appreciate your business. You’re a good customer, but I must tell you that the price of pretzels has gone up to 35 cents!”
Her New Son-in-Law 🤣
Yankel and Moishe ride a train across Poland, thinking about their brides – whom they’re about to meet for the first time . Suddenly, Yankel stands up and says, “I’m not ready for marriage. I’m not getting married!” He grabs his suitcase and runs off the train at the next stop.
Moishe watches him go.
A day later he reaches his destination, where the two mothers of the prospective brides are shocked to discover there’s only one groom on the train.
“Not on your life! He’ll marry my daughter!”
Moishe lets his prospective mothers-in-law argue over him for a while, then suggests they all go to the Rebbe for a ruling.
“The solution is plain, per the wisdom of King Solomon. Cut the boy in two, and each of you take half.”
The first mother looks shocked.
The second mother says, “Yes! Cut him in half.”
The Rebbe points to the second mother and says, “That’s the real mother-in-law!”
Watch Sal Tell it!