Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
Three men are sitting next to each other on a plane flying out of Texas: two big guys with cowboy hats and a little old Jewish man. They get to talking and one of the big fellas says, “I own a place. Thousand acres, thousand head of cattle. My name is Keith and I call it Circle K.”
The other big fella says, “I own a place, too. Ten thousand acres. Ten thousand heads of cattle. My name is John. I call it Big John’s”
The little old Jewish man says, “That’s very nice. I only own a hundred acres, no cattle. My name is Yitzi.”
John says, “Oh yea, Yitzi? What do you call your place?”
“Downtown Dallas.”
🤣
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A rabbi is walking down the street during Passover and he sees the synagogue president up ahead on the sidewalk. The rabbi rushes ahead to discuss some business, but before he can reach him, the president enters a non-kosher Chinese restaurant.
The rabbi can’t believe it! He watches through the window of the restaurant as the president orders food from the menu and then eats it.
The rabbi can’t contain himself any longer. He barges into the restaurant and says, “Moshe, what are you doing? I just saw you eat that non-kosher food, and during Passover of all times!
Moshes says, “Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?”
“Yes!”
“Did you see me order the food?”
“Yes!”
“Did you see me eat the food?”
“Yes!”
“Well, then I don’t see what the problem is, Rabbi. It was all done under rabbinical supervision.”
🤣
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It’s been raining for days. The flood waters are rising. Moshe is on his porch, praying that the rain will stop. His neighbor stops by in a rowboat and says to Moshe, “We’re evacuating everyone! Get in the boat!”
Moshe replies, “Don’t worry about me, God will save me!”
The waters keep rising and Moshe is now on the second floor of his house. Someone comes by in a motorboat and says, “Moshe, get in the boat!”
Moshe replies, “Don’t worry about me. God will save me!”
The waters keep rising and Moshe is on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead with a ladder and a PA system. ‘Get on the ladder! Climb into the helicopter!”
Moshe says, “Don’t worry about me. God will save me!”
The waters continue to rise and Moshe eventually drowns. When he finds himself in heaven, Moshe says, “God, I was such a faithful Jew. I kept praying that you would save me. Why didn’t you?’
God answers, “I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?”
🤣
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Moskowitz is lying in bed at night. He can’t sleep.
“Everything happens to me,” he says to himself. “I finally get my house set up the way I like it and the landlord tells me I have to move out. I find a new place and the new landlord tells me I have to move in by tomorrow or he’s giving it away to someone else. And tonight there’s a huge blizzard! How am I going to get all my stuff to the new place tomorrow in the snow?? Wait a minute, my neighbor Goldberg has a sled. I can borrow Goldberg’s sled. But what if Goldberg won’t lend me his sled? Not lend me his sled?? I’ve been a model neighbor! I say hello to him every morning! I even lent him my lawnmower! Of course he’s going to lend me his sled! Yeah, but people are funny. What if he won’t lend me his sled? In my hour of need, he’s not going to lend me his sled? When my life is basically over if he doesn’t lend me his sled?! Who does he think he is, not lending me his sled?”
Moskowitz gets so worked up, he puts on his boots, trudges through the snow, and bangs on Goldberg’s door at 2 a.m.
Goldberg finally opens the door and rubbing his eyes asks, “What’s going on?”
Moskowitz, red in the face, yells back: “Goldberg, you can keep your stinkin’ sled!”
🤣
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A Jewish woman is walking on the beach with her little grandson. Suddenly a huge wave sweeps the boy out to sea. Desperate, the woman looks up to heaven and says, “God, please rescue my grandson, my only grandson, the light of my life!”
Miraculously, the next big wave deposits the little boy at her feet, completely unharmed.
She looks up to heaven and says, “He had a hat!”
🤣
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Moshe is going through a rough spot in his life. His business isn’t doing well, he’s got a bunch of kids to feed, and his wife is pressuring him.
Every morning, he goes to synagogue and prays, “Please, God, let me win the lottery. Nothing else can fix my life like winning the lottery.” Morning after morning after morning he prays “Please, God, let me win the lottery!”
Finally, he receives an answer. In the middle of his prayers, God speaks to him and says, “Moshe, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket!”
🤣
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Sharon Leibowitz has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. While she’s on the operating table, her heart stops and her soul departs from her body. Sharon appears before God and asks, “God, is that it?” God answers, “No, you have another 30 years to go, Sharon. Enjoy your life.”
Back in the operating room, the electric shocks work and Sharon regains consciousness. She’s overjoyed by her new lease on life. While she’s in the hospital, she decides to make the most of it: tummy tuck, liposuction, breast augmentation. She brings in a hair stylist, beautician, and fashion consultant for a complete makeover.
When Sharon leaves the hospital, she looks spectacular. She steps out into the street, and gets run over by an ambulance and is killed instantly. Her soul goes back to heaven and again she comes before God. She says, “God, what happened? You told me I had another 30 years. Why didn’t you save me?”
God says, “Sharon, I didn’t recognize you.”
🤣
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a long plane ride and they get to talking. After a couple of hours, the priest says to the rabbi, “Tell me, Rabbi, did you ever in all your years succumb to temptation and try a little ham?”
The rabbi says, “You know what, Father? I will confess. I was so curious about it, I once had a ham sandwich.”
Another hour goes by and the rabbi feels comfortable enough to ask the priest, “Father, tell me, in all your years, did you ever succumb to temptation and see what it was like to be with a woman?”
The priest says, “Rabbi, I’m going to tell you the truth. Yes, one time I gave in and experienced the joys of the flesh.”
The rabbi says, “So, Father, beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, eh?”
🤣
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An old man enters a church and goes to confession. The priest slides back the window and the old man says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I’m 80 years old and earlier this week I was walking home from the library when a car pulled up with two young ladies in it. They said they were on spring break and they asked for directions. We got into a conversation and they offered me a ride home. On the way, they asked me how old I am. When they learned that I’m 80 years old, they asked “When’s the last time you had sex?” When I told them it’s been years, they asked me if I’d like to have a good time. I said sure, so they came into my apartment and for the next two nights and the day in between, hoo whee! They’re still there and they told me that when I get home, they’re going to show me things that a man and a woman can do that I never dreamed of. So that’s my confession.”
“I see,” says the priest. “Tell me, when is the last time you made a confession?”
“Oh, this is my first time, Father.”
“You’re 80 years old and you’ve never made confession before?”
“No, I’m Jewish.”
“Well, in that case, why are you telling me all this?”
“Father, I’m telling everybody!”
🤣
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