Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Her New Son-in-Law 🤣
Yankel and Moishe ride a train across Poland, thinking about their brides – whom they’re about to meet for the first time . Suddenly, Yankel stands up and says, “I’m not ready for marriage. I’m not getting married!” He grabs his suitcase and runs off the train at the next stop.
Moishe watches him go.
A day later he reaches his destination, where the two mothers of the prospective brides are shocked to discover there’s only one groom on the train.
“Not on your life! He’ll marry my daughter!”
Moishe lets his prospective mothers-in-law argue over him for a while, then suggests they all go to the Rebbe for a ruling.
“The solution is plain, per the wisdom of King Solomon. Cut the boy in two, and each of you take half.”
The first mother looks shocked.
The second mother says, “Yes! Cut him in half.”
The Rebbe points to the second mother and says, “That’s the real mother-in-law!”
Directions in the Old City 🤣
A Jewish American tourist wandering through the Old City of Jerusalem approaches a Hasidic Israeli.
“Excuse, how long will it take me to walk to the Western Wall?”
The Israeli ignores him.
“I said how will it take me to get the Wall from here?”
The Israeli doesn’t answer.
The American asks again in Hebrew, but the Israeli still won’t answer.
“I don’t understand why you Hasidim won’t accept me! I’m your fellow Jew! It’s just ignorance!”
The American turns and walks away.
The Israel runs up behind him and says, “It’ll take you seven minutes from here.”
“Why are you telling me now?”
“I didn’t know how fast you walk.”
A Doctor And A Lawyer Meet in Synagogue 🤣
Leventhal the lawyer and Cohen the doctor meet in synagogue on Shabbos.
“Leventhal, you don’t know how lucky you are. Every time I come here to pray, people hound me with their medical problems. This one has stomach trouble. That one has back pain. Everybody wants free advice. But you? Nobody bothers you with legal questions. How do you do it?”
“Nothing to it. Any time somebody asks me for legal advice, I send them a bill on Monday.”
Cohen loves the idea. Come Monday, he’s sitting in his office writing up a bunch of bills when there’s a knock on his door.
It’s the mailman, with a bill from Leventhal.
Image: United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, courtesy of Joseph & Rachel Greenfield
The Doctor of Chelm 🤣
In the annals of Jewish humor, the mythical town of Chelm is widely known for its intelligence-challenged residents.
When Dr. Levine opened a medical office in Chelm, his first patient was the town’s great sage, Yitzy Yankel.
“Doctor, I hurt all over.”
“That’s not medically possible.”
“But it’s true! When I touch my leg – ouch! – it hurts. When I touch my arm – ouch! – it hurts. When I touch my head – ouch! – it hurts. When I touch my chest – ouch! – it really hurts.”
“Yitzy Yankel, I know for a fact that your body is fine.”
“How could you possibly know such a thing, Doctor?”
“Because your finger is broken.”
Late For Hebrew School 🤣
“Abe, wake up, you’ll be late for Hebrew School!”
“No, Mom, I don’t wanna go.”
“Why don’t you want to go?”
“Because the teachers hate me and all the kids make fun of me.”
“Too bad. You still have to go.”
“Give me one good reason why I should go.”
“I’ll give you two! You’re 56 years old and you’re the rabbi!”
The Yeshiva Exam 🤣
A yeshiva student takes an important oral exam based on the commentaries of Rashi, the illustrious 11th-century sage.
After he answers the last question, the Rosh Yeshiva (Head of School) claps his hands and exclaims, “What an incredible student! He could’ve been a member of the Sanhedrin in the times of the Holy Temple, like the great Akiva or Hillel!”
The other instructors look at the Rosh Yeshiva, surprised.
“Surely not so much, Rabbi? Perhaps you’re exaggerating a little bit?”
“Not at all. They hadn’t read Rashi either.”
The Haircut 🤣
On the Shabbos before Passover, Rabbi Schwartzman is delivering his biggest sermon of the year. In the middle of his lesson, Yankel gets up and walks out of the synagogue.
The next day, Rabbi Schwartzman sees Yankel on the street and hustles over.
“Yankel, wait a second!”
“Yankel, why did you walk out during my sermon yesterday?”
“I needed a haircut.”
“Why didn’t you get your haircut before my sermon?”
“I didn’t need one.”
The Couple That Never Fought 🤣
Back in the days when millions of Jews lived in the villages of Poland and Ukraine, a young Torah scholar was soon to be wed. He heard about an old couple that never had a fight in 60 years of marriage. Eager to learn their secret, he walked for days to visit them. Upon hearing why the young man had come, the elderly husband agreed to share his wisdom for a peaceful marriage.
The day after we married, I came to my in-laws’ house with a donkey-cart to move my wife’s possessions to our new home. We loaded up and departed.
After a couple hours of walking, the donkey took an unauthorized break. My wife looked the donkey in the eye and said, “That’s one.”
An hour later, the donkey took another unauthorized break. My wife looked the donkey in the eye and said, “That’s two.”
An hour after that, the donkey took a third unauthorized break. My wife looked the donkey in the eye and said, “That’s three.” Then she took out a gun and shot the donkey dead.
I said, “Don’t you think maybe that was a little excessive?”
She said, “That’s one.”
The Kosher Deli 🤣
When Abe, Sam and Moshe were 40, they discussed where to meet for lunch. Finally they decided to meet at the kosher deli uptown because it had the best-looking waitresses.
When Abe, Sam and Moshe were 50, they discussed where to meet for lunch. Finally they decided to meet at the kosher deli uptown because it had the best pastrami.
When Abe, Sam and Moshe were 60, they discussed where to meet for lunch. Finally they decided to meet at the kosher deli uptown because it had the best parking.
When Abe, Sam and Moshe were 70, they discussed where to meet for lunch. Finally they decided to meet at the kosher deli uptown because it had the most wheelchair accessible bathroom.
When Abe, Sam and Moshe were 80, they discussed where to meet for lunch. Finally they decided to meet at the kosher deli uptown because they’d never been there before.
The Jewish Optimist 🤣
What’s the difference between a Jewish pessimist and a Jewish optimist?
The Jewish pessimist says, “Things can’t possibly get any worse.”
The Jewish optimist says, “Sure they can!”