Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
Get more Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! Sign up for our weekly newsletter.
All In Good Time! 🤣
A poor man finds God while walking through a forest.
“God, what is a million years like for you?”
“My son, for me a million years is like a second.”
“God, what is a million dollars to you?”
“My son, a million dollars means nothing to me.”
“So God, can I have a million dollars?”
“In a second.”
Image by David Bartus via Pexels
Heir Seeks Wife 🤣
Yitzy was a single guy living at home and working in the family business. When his father became ill, Yitzy discovered that he stood to inherit a large fortune upon his father’s death. So he decided he needed a wife with whom to share such a blessing.
One evening in a restaurant, a beautiful woman captured his attention. Yitzy introduced himself.
“I may seem like an average guy but in the near future, I stand to inherit 50 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
The Beef Barley Soup 🤣
Every day, Morrie has lunch in the same deli, and every day Morrie orders the beef barley soup.
One day he gets his soup, and as the waiter starts walking away, Morrie says, “Come back here. Taste the soup.”
“What’s wrong, Morrie? You’ve had that soup every day for 30 years.”
“Taste the soup.”
“Is it too salty?”
“Taste the soup.”
“Is it cold?”
“Taste. The. Soup.”
“Is there a fly in it, God forbid?”
“Taste the soup!”
“Okay, fine. I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
Behind Every Successful Man 🤣
There’s an old saying about husbands and wives.
Behind every successful man, there’s a surprised mother-in-law!
A Healthy Diet 🤣
Abe was an eater, and his favorite foods were the classics: pastrami, shmaltz, shwarma, rugeleh, cholent… which he’d wash it down with a black cherry soda.
At his annual physical, Dr. Cohen shook his head and said, “Abe, you’re killing yourself with that stuff. Best thing for you to do is to give up all those fatty foods.”
Abe pondered that for a few seconds and then said, “Okay, doc. What’s the next best thing?”
The Lone Soldier 🤣
During the Six-Day War, the enemies of Israel identified a hill of great strategic importance, and when they realized it was guarded by a lone Israeli soldier, they sent in a platoon to attack immediately.
Thirty minutes later, the whole platoon had been captured by the lone Israeli.
As they were being led away, their lieutenant remarked, “I gotta admit, you Israelis are tough.”
“You think I’m tough? You should meet my husband!”
A Bumpy Flight 🤣
A priest and a rabbi are flying to the Holy Land when the plane experiences heavy turbulence. They struggle to remain calm until the pilot announces that the engines are failing and everybody should brace for a water landing. In the midst of the ensuing panic, the priest is surprised to see the rabbi make the sign of the cross.
Thankfully, the plane lands safely in the Atlantic ocean. As they wait on the raft to be rescued, the priest turns to the rabbi.
“I noticed you made the sign of the cross at 20,000 feet. Perhaps it was your conversion that delivered us all from destruction!”
“Well, I share your relief at our deliverance, but it wasn’t on my account. I was just making the usual emergency check: spectacles, testicles, wallet and cigars.”
With thanks to our dear friends Father Jason VanBorssum and Rabbi Yona Bookstein
The New Year’s Eve Party!
Yitzi goes to a New Year’s Eve party.
He’s having a great time but after a while he realizes he lost his wallet.
Yitzi’s not a shy guy, so he stands up and says “Excuse me! Excuse me! I lost my wallet with $500 in it. I’ll give $50 to whoever finds it!”
From the back of the room comes a voice, “I’ll give $75!”
Yitzy & The Lamppost 🤣
Max sees his pal Yitzy crawling around on his hands and knees near a lamp post, looking for something.
“Yitzy, what are you looking for?”
“My car keys.”
“You dropped them right here?”
“No, I dropped them down the street.”
“So why are you looking here?”
“The light is much better.”
Image by Max Flinterman via Pexels
Lazer The Ugly Butcher Gets A Date! 🤣
Rivky the matchmaker comes to see Lazer the ugly butcher.
“What can I get for you today, Rivky? Maybe a nice brisket?”
“No, Lazer, today I’m here for you!”
“For me? Don’t tell me, after all these years, you have a match for me?”
“I can only imagine what she looks like.”
“Take a look at her picture.”
“Oh my goodness, she’s beautiful!”
“Not only is she beautiful, she’s rich! And you are going on a date with her Saturday night!”
“Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that even with my ugly face I’m going out with this beautiful woman, this Saturday night. And she’s rich?”
“Wow. She must be crazy.”
“Vell, you can’t have everything.”