Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
The rabbi’s son turns 16 and he starts negotiating with his dad to drive the family car.His father says, “I’ll make you a deal. You get your grades up, you learn some more Torah, and you get a haircut, I’ll let you use the car once in a while.
So a month later, the son goes to see his father and he says, “Dad I got my grades up, and I’ve been learning more Torah with you. Can I use the car?” His father says, “What about the haircut?” The son replies, “Yeah Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson in the Bible had long hair. Moses had long hair. Even Abraham had long hair.”
The rabbi replies, “You’re right! And everywhere they went, they walked.”
It’s Yom Kippur. The rabbi, who’s addicted to golf, goes out and plays a few holes before services. First hole, he makes birdie. Up in heaven, Moses turns to God and says, “You let him make a birdie playing golf on Yom Kippur?!”
God says, “Just watch.”
On the second hole, the rabbi makes an eagle.
Moses frowns, can’t believe what he’s seeing.
Then, on the third hole, the rabbi makes an unbelievable hole in one!
Moses turns to God with outrage, “God, what are you doing, letting him get a birdie, an eagle, and a hole in one?!”
God looks over at Moses and responds, “Who’s he going to tell?”
Feeling his days are numbered, the head of Hamas visits a fortune teller to find out when his end will come. She says, “You’re going to die on a Jewish holiday.”
The terrorist demands to know, “Which holiday? Hanukkah? Passover? Which Jewish holiday will be the day of my death??”
The astrologer answers, “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”
🤣
Follow Sal’s Greatest Jewish Jokes of All Time on Instagram!
In Berlin in the 1930’s, two old Jews are sitting on a park bench reading the newspaper. One is reading a Yiddish paper and the other guy’s reading a German newspaper.
The first guy asks the other guy, “How can you read that Nazi rag?”
The second guy responds, “What are you talking about? When I read the Yiddish paper, it’s all about Jews deported, Jews insulted, Jews assaulted. When I read the German paper, the news is much better! Turns out, we own the banks, we own the media, we control everything!”
🤣
Follow Sal’s Greatest Jewish Jokes of All Time on Instagram!
He asks, “Is my wife Sara here?” “Yes,” says Sara. “I’m here with you!” “Are my children here?” “Yes, Max, your sons and your daughters are all here!” “Are my grandchildren here?” “Yes, all of the grandchildren are here. Max, your entire family is here with you!”
Then Max Greenberg lifts his head one last time and asks, “So why is the light on in the kitchen?”
🤣
Follow Sal’s Greatest Jewish Jokes of All Time on Instagram!
Image: “Old Man on his Death Bed” by Gustav Klimt, c. 1899
Shloime and Esty go on a big vacation all the way across the world to Thailand. They’re having a great time until one day they get into a fight. Shloime goes on a walk on the beach by himself to cool off.
While walking, he looks down to see an old-fashioned oil lamp in the sand. He picks it up and, as he rubs off the sand, a genie appears.
“My master,” the genie says, “I can grant you one wish. Tell me what you want.”
Shloime pulls out his phone and shows the genie a map of Israel. “This is Israel. There’s always conflict there. Make peace between Israel and all its neighbors.”
“You think we haven’t heard of the Middle East peace problem? This is far too complicated for a simple wish. Ask me for something reasonable.”
Shloime thinks about his argument with Esty, his wife, and he says, “OK, my wish is to understand the mind of a woman.”
The genie looks at Shloime and says, “Show me that map again.”
🤣
Follow Sal’s Greatest Jewish Jokes of All Time on Instagram!
