Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • The Jewish Atheist

    A Jewish atheist and his family move to a new town. The best school in town is Catholic, so the atheist sends his son to Catholic school. Everything seems fine until one day the kid comes home and says, “Today we learned about the father, the son, and the holy spirit!”

    His father starts to get agitated. “There’s only one God!” he tells his son. “And we don’t believe in him!”


    Watch Sal Tell It
  • The Television Set

    A Chasidic Jew goes into an electronics store in Brooklyn and says, “I’d like to buy that TV.” The clerk tells him, “We don’t sell TV’s to Chasids.”

    The Chasidic guy is so mad, he leaves the store, tucks his peyos inside a baseball cap, changes his clothes and walks back in. Again he tells the clerk, “I’d like to buy that TV” and again the clerk answers “We don’t sell TV’s to Chasids.”

    Now the Chasid is furious. He storms out of the store and comes back two weeks later, without the beard, without the peyos, wearing hipster clothing, and tells the clerk“I’d like to buy that TV.”

    “How many times do I have to tell you, we don’t sell TVs to Hasids!”

    “But how do you know I’m a Hasid?”

    “Because that’s a microwave oven.”


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  • Max’s Cardiologist

    Max Goldberg goes to see his cardiologist. The doctor examines him and then tells Max he’d like to speak to Mrs. Goldberg privately. So Max leaves the room and his wife comes in. The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Goldberg, your husband’s condition is extremely serious. It is exacerbated by stress so you must do everything you can to eliminate stress from Max’s life. When he gets up every morning, make his favorite breakfast and bring it to him in bed. Give him a hug and a kiss on his way out the door, and call him at work to tell him how great he is. When he comes home in the evening, have his slippers and a delicious dinner waiting for him. Give him whatever he wants in the bedroom, and act sweet to him at all times. If you do this, Max can live another twenty years.”

    Mrs. Goldberg nods along, then leaves the office and gets in the car, where Max worriedly asks her what the doctor said. Mrs. Goldberg responds, “You’re going to die.”


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  • Yankel’s Not Jewish

    This joke is not just so Jewish, it’s so religiously Jewish, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it!

    Two friends, Shimon and Yankel, are longtime learning partners. One day…

    Yankel: I’ve got a confession to make: I’m not Jewish.

    Shimon: What do you mean you’re not Jewish? We’ve been learning Torah together for years!

    Yankel: I love the Torah and the commandments, I love the learning, but I’m not actually Jewish.

    Shimon: You keep Shabbos! A non-Jew can’t keep Shabbos.

    Yankel: That’s why I keep a key in my pocket every Shabbos.

    Shimon: Yankel, there’s an eruv in this neighborhood.

    Yankel: I don’t hold by that eruv.


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  • Driving The Family Car

    The rabbi’s son turns 16 and he starts negotiating with his dad to drive the family car.His father says, “I’ll make you a deal. You get your grades up, you learn some more Torah, and you get a haircut, I’ll let you use the car once in a while.

    So a month later, the son goes to see his father and he says, “Dad I got my grades up, and I’ve been learning more Torah with you. Can I use the car?” His father says, “What about the haircut?” The son replies, “Yeah Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson in the Bible had long hair. Moses had long hair. Even Abraham had long hair.”

    The rabbi replies, “You’re right! And everywhere they went, they walked.”


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  • The Top Hat

    Leibowitz is sitting at his dining room table, wearing only a top hat, when Greenbaum walks in.

    “Why are you sitting here naked?”

    “It’s OK, nobody ever comes to visit.”

    “But why the hat?”

    “Maybe somebody will come.”


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  • Who’s The Most Famous Person?

    In a kindergarten class, the teacher offers the kids $5 if they can name the most famous person who ever lived.

    Little Sean O’Sullivan says, “Saint Patrick!”

    The teacher says, “No, I’m sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

    Little Johnny Williams says, “Abraham Lincoln!”

    She says, “No, Johnny, I’m afraid that’s not the answer.”

    Little David Goldberg says “Jesus Christ!”

    The teacher says, “That’s right, David, you get $5!”

    As he comes up to collect the money the teacher says, “You know David, being Jewish I’m surprised you said Jesus.”

    David replies, “In my heart I know it’s Moses, but business is business!”


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  • Rabbi’s Secret

    It’s Yom Kippur. The rabbi, who’s addicted to golf, goes out and plays a few holes before services. First hole, he makes birdie. Up in heaven, Moses turns to God and says, “You let him make a birdie playing golf on Yom Kippur?!”

    God says, “Just watch.”

    On the second hole, the rabbi makes an eagle.

    Moses frowns, can’t believe what he’s seeing.

    Then, on the third hole, the rabbi makes an unbelievable hole in one!

    Moses turns to God with outrage, “God, what are you doing, letting him get a birdie, an eagle, and a hole in one?!”

    God looks over at Moses and responds, “Who’s he going to tell?”


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  • The Fortune Teller

    Feeling his days are numbered, the head of Hamas visits a fortune teller to find out when his end will come. She says, “You’re going to die on a Jewish holiday.”

    The terrorist demands to know, “Which holiday? Hanukkah? Passover? Which Jewish holiday will be the day of my death??”

    The astrologer answers, “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”


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  • The Newspaper

    In Berlin in the 1930’s, two old Jews are sitting on a park bench reading the newspaper. One is reading a Yiddish paper and the other guy’s reading a German newspaper.

    The first guy asks the other guy, “How can you read that Nazi rag?”

    The second guy responds, “What are you talking about? When I read the Yiddish paper, it’s all about Jews deported, Jews insulted, Jews assaulted. When I read the German paper, the news is much better! Turns out, we own the banks, we own the media, we control everything!”


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