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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes


Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

 

Latest Jokes

  • Sages Under The Stars 🤣

    Rabbi Moshe Karelman, a brilliant Talmudist and his star pupil Yeshaya are traveling to Vilna when they have to stop for the night, and pitch their tent in an empty field.

    After the evening prayers Rabbi Karelman and Yeshaya retire for the evening.

    Some hours later, Rabbi Karelman wakes up and nudges his student.

    “Yeshaya, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    “I see millions and millions of stars, Rabbi Karelman.”

    “And from this, what do you deduce?”

    Yeshaya ponders for a minute.

    “Well, astronomically, this view conveys the vastness of the heavens. Chronometrically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of His universe. What does it tell you, Rabbi Karelman?”

    “Yeshaya, someone has stolen our tent.”

    🤣

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  • I’m The Most Discreet Person You’ll Ever Meet! 🤣

    Six Jews are playing poker in the clubhouse of their retirement community in Florida. Abe loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Out of respect to Abe, they play the final hours of their game standing up.

    At the end of the evening, Meyerowitz looks around and asks, “Nu? So who’s going to tell his wife?”

    They cut the cards.

    Pearlman draws the low card. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make the sad situation any worse.

    “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet! The soul of discretion. Leave it to me.”

    Pearlman goes over to the Abe’s condo and knocks on the door. Abe’s wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

    “Abe lost $500 in a poker game and he’s afraid to come home.”

    “Tell him to drop dead!”

    “OK, I’ll go tell him.”

    🤣

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  • If You Only Knew! 🤣

    A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn’t have the correct change for the fare. 

    The driver says, “I’m sorry ma’am but without the correct fare you can’t ride.”

    She places her hand gently on her chest and says, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

    He lets her ride.

    She tries to move down the crowded aisle, but people won’t make way for her.

    She places her hand gently on her chest and says, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

    The crowd parts like the Red Sea. 

    She reaches the back of the bus where there are no seats. No one gets up.

    She places her hand gently on her chest and says, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

    Several people jump up and insist that she take their seat.

    She settles into a good one by the window.

    A woman leans over to her and says, “I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you’ve got?” 

    The little Jewish grandmother grins and says, “Chutzpah.”

    🤣

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  • Breakfast in Bed 🤣

    Mitzi’s husband Hershel was late coming home again.

    Fed up, she wrote him a note saying, “I’ve had it! I’ve left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

    Mitzi placed the note on his dresser, then hid under the bed to see his reaction.

    Some time later, Hershel came home. She heard him rummage the fridge, walk up the stairs and enter their bedroom.

    She watched him go over to the dresser and pick up the note.

    After a few minutes, he wrote something on the back of her note. Then he called someone on his cell.

    “She finally did it. She left me… ‘Bout time, right? Darling, from now it’s you and me. Put on that slinky dress and meet me at the Waldorf. It’s gonna be a night to remember, and breakfast in bed! …I love you too. Can’t wait.”

    Hershel grabbed his keys and trotted down the stairs. Mitzi heard his car drive off as she emerged from beneath the bed, furious and sobbing.

    Wiping her tears, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

    “I saw your feet. We’re out of ice cream. Back in ten minutes.”

    🤣

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  • Unconventional Medicine 🤣

    Mrs. Pearlman went to the doctor’s office, and saw Dr. Levine, one of the new young doctors. 

    Five minutes later, she burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the corridor.

    Gray-haired Dr. Goldberg asked what was happening, and heard her story. 

    He calmed her down, seated her in his office and asked her to wait there for a moment. Then he hustled over to Dr. Levine’s examination room.

    “Are you insane? Mrs. Pearlman is 61 years old! She has four grown kids and seven grandchildren, and you told her she’s pregnant?” 

    “Does she still have the hiccups?”

    🤣

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    Image by Murray Barnes via Flickr

  • A Phone Call From Momma 🤣

    Relieved to get a break in her day, Esty jumped to answer the telephone.

    “Darling, how are you? This is Momma.”

    “Oh, Momma, I’m having a bad day. The baby’s upset and the dishwasher broke. I haven’t gone shopping yet, and I banged my shin so hard I’m hobbling  around. The house is a mess and on top of all that, the Silversteins are coming for dinner. I don’t how I’m gonna do it.”

    “Darling, Momma’s got this. Sit down and do absolutely nothing for 30 minutes except relax. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house and cook dinner. I have a wonderful repairman for the dishwasher, and I’ll take the baby for a stroll. So stop crying, Momma’s taking care of everything. In fact, I’ll even call Moshe at the office and tell him to come home early and help out for once.”

    “Moshe? Who’s Moshe?”

    “Why, Moshe’s your husband… Is this 564-7721?”

    “No, it’s 564-7712.”

    “Oh, I’m so sorry! I have the wrong number.”

    Short pause.

    “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”

    🤣

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  • A Warning Call To The Supreme Leader 🤣

    The Supreme Leader of Iran gets a phone call.

    “Shalom, Mr. Supreme Leader, this is Yankel from a little village in Israel. I’m calling to let you know that our morning minyan is officially declaring war on you.”

    “Well, Yankel, this is important news. Tell me, how big is your army?”

    “Currently, there is myself, my cousin Moishie, our next door neighbor Yossi, and the entire 6:00 am minyan  — that makes 18!”

    “I must tell you, Yankel, that I have one million men in my army ready to move on my command.”

    “Oy, I’ll call you back.”

    Next day.

    “All right, Mr. Supreme Leader, the war is still on! We acquired some equipment: two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Moishie’s tractor from the farm.”

    “Yankel, I have 16 thousand tanks and 14 thousand armored carriers.”

    “Really? I’ll call you back.”

    Next day.

    “Hello Mr. Supreme Leader, the war is still on. Now we’re airborne too! We modified Shimmie’s ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the 8:00 am Minyan joined us as well.”

    “Yankel, I have a thousand bombers, ten thousand MiG 19 fighter planes, and my bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missiles. And since we first spoke, my army has doubled in size to two million men.”

    “Really? I’ll call you back.”

    Next day.

    “Mr. Supreme Leader, I’m sorry to tell you the war is off.”

    “I’m very sorry to hear that, Yankel. Why the change of heart?”

    “We all had a chat, and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

    🤣

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  • Shoe Repair 🤣

    Going through an old drawer, Yankel found a 40-year-old ticket for shoe repair. He remembered bringing in his third best dress shoes for new heels and realized he’d forgotten all about them. 

    “I wonder if old Goldberg is still repairing shoes? I haven’t been in that neighborhood in ages!” So Yankel drove over, and to his amazement, Goldberg’s Shoe Repair was still there, with old Mr. Goldberg working behind the counter.

    Yankel figured his shoes were long gone, but it couldn’t hurt to ask, so he walked in, greeted Mr. Goldberg, and showed him the 40-year-old ticket.

    “Any chance you still have the shoes?” 

    “Let me check.”

    Old Goldberg toddled off into the back. A minute later, he called out, “Here they are!” 

    “Wow, this guy is amazing,” thought Yankel.

    Old Goldberg came back out, and handed the ticket back to Yankel.

    “They’ll be ready on Tuesday.”

    🤣

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  • The Praying Parrot 🤣

    Yankel bought a parrot, hoping it might learn to say a few words. The next morning, he found the bird on the eastern side of its cage, rocking back and forth, mumbling. Stooping to listen, Yankel was shocked to hear his new parrot praying in Hebrew.

    “You’re Jewish?!”

    “Of course. Modern Orthodox. Are we going to shul on Rosh Hashanah?”

    “You want me to take you to synagogue?! This is unbelievable. Is this some kind of secret? Can I tell my friends about you?”

    “Tell anyone you want. Now let me finish davening.”

    Yankel immediately started bragging about his Jewish parrot. No one believed him, so he started taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had a thousand dollars riding on the bird.

    On the Day of Judgement, Yankel proudly set his parrot in front of the room. Everyone stared, even the rabbi, who bet twenty bucks against any parrot praying.

    Yankel urged it to pray. People started chuckling around the room.

    The parrot clucked a few times like any bird of its kind, but it didn’t pray. Yankel lost a thousand bucks.

    Back at home, Yankel grabbed the parrot by its scrawny neck.

    “Now you better start praying, you little twit! You humiliated me! You’re a dead bird!”

    “Don’t be a shmuck, Yankel! Yom Kippur’s next week. Everyone looks forward all year to the cantor singing Kol Nidrei on Yom Kippur. Tell everyone I’ll sing Kol Nidrei.”

    “Why would I do that?! You didn’t even pray in shul today!”

    “Exactly. Think of the odds you’ll get!”

    🤣

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  • Who Said My Father Died? 🤣

    Yitzy visits the doctor for his annual  check-up.

    “Yitzy, you’re in terrific shape for a 60-year-old. You have the body of a 35 year old. Tell me,  how old was your father when he died?”

    “Who said my father died?”

    “Wow! How old is he, and is he active?”

    “Dad’s 82 and skis or surfs three times a week.”

    “Amazing! How old was your grandfather when he died?”

    “Who said my grandfather died?”

    “You’re kidding. How old is he, and is he active?”

    “Grandpa is 102, still skis and surfs, and he’s getting  married again.”

    “Why on earth would a 102-year-old want to get married again?”

    “Who said he wanted to? His mother pressured him into it!”

    🤣

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    Image by Neil Moralee via Flickr

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