Morty Greenbaum shows up at the country club with his new wife, a beautiful woman half his age.

His buddies are very impressed and later they ask him how he got such a gorgeous young wife.

“I lied about my age,” Morty confesses.

They ask, “Did you tell her you were fifty?”

“No,” replies Morty. “I told her I was ninety.”

🤣

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

The Emperor of China needed a new Chief Samurai. He held tryouts and selected three finalists for the prestigious position.

The first finalist was a samurai from the south. He stepped forward and opened a small box, releasing a fly. The samurai drew his samurai sword, sliced the air, and the fly, split perfectly in two, fell dead to the ground.

The second finalist, a samurai from the north, came forward holding an even smaller box. He opened it and out flew a gnat. The samurai drew his sword, striked, and the gnat, split in two, fell dead to the ground.

The third finalist was Shimmy Yankowitz from Crown Heights, Brooklyn, carrying an old cigar box. Shimmy opened the box and out flew a bumble bee. He took out a very thin sword, striked, and the bumble bee flew away.

The emperor, annoyed, said, “What kind of skill is that? The bee did not die!”

Shimmy replied, “Of course not, sir. The circumcision is not intended to kill.”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

During Yom Kippur services the rabbi raises his arms to the heavens and cries out, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”

The cantor, upon seeing this, beats his chest and shouts, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”

Inspired by this display, an ordinary Jew at the back of the room stands and proclaims, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”

The rabbi turns to the cantor and says scornfully, “Hmph. Look who thinks he’s nothing!”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game. The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”

Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”

The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”

Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”

The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”

“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the rabbi.  “With who?”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, Yitzi brings his shoes in for a repair.

The shoe repairman tells him, “They’ll be ready in ten years.”

“Ten years from today?”

“Ten years from today.”

“That’s no good. I’ve got the plumber coming.”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”

The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”

The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”

The cantor says, “Kill me first.”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

Rabbi Goldfarb has always had a secret urge to try pork, but he’s never given into it.

He goes on vacation to Hawaii and every night at the resort, they have a luau where they bring out delicious-smelling suckling pigs to serve to guests.

Rabbi Goldfarb is incredibly tempted. “I’m so far away from home. Who’s going to know?” And so, he orders the suckling pig.

While he’s waiting for it to arrive, who should walk by but Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg from his congregation. “Rabbi Goldfarb, so good to see you! Imagine running into you here.”

Anticipating the arrival of the pig, Rabbi Goldfarb tries to make the conversation as short as possible, but it’s no use. The waiter arrives with a big silver tray containing a roast pig with an apple in its mouth and places it on the table in front of the rabbi.

The Rosenbergs look at the pig and then look at the rabbi. 

The rabbi looks at the Rosenbergs and then looks at the pig. “This resort is so over the top. Imagine, I order an apple and this is how they bring it!”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

Four rabbis were having a Talmudic debate about an important matter regarding Jewish law. Everyone stated their case and then they voted. It was three to one against Rabbi Eliezer.

But Rabbi Eliezer was sure that he was right! He cried out to heaven, “God, please send a sign to prove that I am right!”

Out a clear blue sky, it suddenly began to snow.  Rabbi Eliezer said “You see!?”

One of the other rabbis says, “So, it’s snowing in winter. This is a sign?”

Rabbi Eliezer said, “God, please make it clearer to them!”

Out of the sky, a massive icicle fell and split a tree in half. Rabbi Eliezer cried, “It’s a miracle!”

The second rabbi said, “An icicle from the sky. This you call a miracle?”

Before Rabbi Eleizer could appeal to God one more time, the sky darkened and a booming voice called out from heaven, “The law is according to Rabbi Eliezer.”

Eliezer says, “There! Now you see!”

The third rabbi says, “Meh. So now it’s three to two.”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

Abe, Solly, and Moshe Levine are three brothers who have emigrated to different countries. Abe is in New York, Solly is in London, and Moshe is in Sydney. They agree to honor their brotherhood by drinking a beer for each other every week.

So Solly goes to the same London pub every Monday night, orders three beers, and sits in the corner, thinking of his brothers. 

The regulars get to know him and they understand why he orders three beers on the same day every week.

One Monday, Solly comes into the pub and he only orders two beers. The regulars are concerned. Finally, the bartender says to Solly, “You only ordered two beers. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

“No,” replies Solly. “I just decided to give up drinking.”

🤣

Watch Sal Tell It!

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! 

A blind man is sitting on a park bench when a Rabbi sits down next to him. It’s Passover, and the Rabbi takes out a piece of matzah and starts eating. Feeling friendly, the Rabbi offers a piece of the perforated cracker to his sightless neighbor. After a moment, the blind man turns to the Rabbi and says, “Who wrote this garbage?”

🤣

Get Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox!