Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Latest Jokes
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The Firing Squad
Two Jews are in standing front of a firing squad.
The commandant says “Any last requests?”
One of the Jews says, “I would like please a blindfold.”
The other Jew whispers, “Sam! Don’t make trouble.”
🥺
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Lost In The Mall
Max and Ruthie go to the biggest mall in America. After shopping all day, Ruthie realizes she’s lost track of her husband. She searches all over but can’t find him so she calls him frantically.
“Max, where are you? I’ve looked everywhere!”
“Ruthie, do you remember that jewelry store we visited years ago, and there was a pair of diamond earrings you fell in love with and i said one day i’ll get them for you?”
“Yes Max, I remember!”
“Well I’m in the sports bar next to that store.”
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Visit From The KGB
Back In the darkest says of the Soviet Union, a KGB agent goes into a ratty old building. He walks up several flights of stairs and knocks on the a door of a dingy apartment with a name plate that says DAVIDOVICH. The KGB agent pounds on the door and finally an old man in a shabby coat opens the door.
“Does the tailor Davidovich live here?”
“No.”
“Who are you?”
“Davidovich.”
“So why did you say Davidovich doesn’t live here?”
“You call this living?”
🤣
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The Jewish Lumberjack
During the great depression a little Russian Jew applies for the only job available.
“Mr Rabinowitz, you don’t look like a lumberjack.”
“Actually I’m a very experienced lumberjack!”
“So where did you work before?”
“I worked in the Sahara forest.”
“You mean the Sahara desert?”
“Sure, now it’s a desert!”
🤣
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Four Bubbies
Four bubbies in Miami are playing cards.
The first sighs and says “Oy!”
The second in a pained voice responds, “Oy vey!”
The third wails “Oy vey iz mir!”
And then the fourth one replies, “I thought we agreed not to talk about the children!”
🤣
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The Jewish Atheist
A Jewish atheist and his family move to a new town. The best school in town is Catholic, so the atheist sends his son to Catholic school. Everything seems fine until one day the kid comes home and says, “Today we learned about the father, the son, and the holy spirit!”
His father starts to get agitated. “There’s only one God!” he tells his son. “And we don’t believe in him!”
🤣
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The Television Set
A Chasidic Jew goes into an electronics store in Brooklyn and says, “I’d like to buy that TV.” The clerk tells him, “We don’t sell TV’s to Chasids.”
The Chasidic guy is so mad, he leaves the store, tucks his peyos inside a baseball cap, changes his clothes and walks back in. Again he tells the clerk, “I’d like to buy that TV” and again the clerk answers “We don’t sell TV’s to Chasids.”
Now the Chasid is furious. He storms out of the store and comes back two weeks later, without the beard, without the peyos, wearing hipster clothing, and tells the clerk“I’d like to buy that TV.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, we don’t sell TVs to Hasids!”
“But how do you know I’m a Hasid?”
“Because that’s a microwave oven.”
🤣
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Max’s Cardiologist
Max Goldberg goes to see his cardiologist. The doctor examines him and then tells Max he’d like to speak to Mrs. Goldberg privately. So Max leaves the room and his wife comes in. The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Goldberg, your husband’s condition is extremely serious. It is exacerbated by stress so you must do everything you can to eliminate stress from Max’s life. When he gets up every morning, make his favorite breakfast and bring it to him in bed. Give him a hug and a kiss on his way out the door, and call him at work to tell him how great he is. When he comes home in the evening, have his slippers and a delicious dinner waiting for him. Give him whatever he wants in the bedroom, and act sweet to him at all times. If you do this, Max can live another twenty years.”
Mrs. Goldberg nods along, then leaves the office and gets in the car, where Max worriedly asks her what the doctor said. Mrs. Goldberg responds, “You’re going to die.”
🤣
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Yankel’s Not Jewish
This joke is not just so Jewish, it’s so religiously Jewish, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it!
Two friends, Shimon and Yankel, are longtime learning partners. One day…
Yankel: I’ve got a confession to make: I’m not Jewish.
Shimon: What do you mean you’re not Jewish? We’ve been learning Torah together for years!
Yankel: I love the Torah and the commandments, I love the learning, but I’m not actually Jewish.
Shimon: You keep Shabbos! A non-Jew can’t keep Shabbos.
Yankel: That’s why I keep a key in my pocket every Shabbos.
Shimon: Yankel, there’s an eruv in this neighborhood.
Yankel: I don’t hold by that eruv.
🤣
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Driving The Family Car
The rabbi’s son turns 16 and he starts negotiating with his dad to drive the family car.His father says, “I’ll make you a deal. You get your grades up, you learn some more Torah, and you get a haircut, I’ll let you use the car once in a while.
So a month later, the son goes to see his father and he says, “Dad I got my grades up, and I’ve been learning more Torah with you. Can I use the car?” His father says, “What about the haircut?” The son replies, “Yeah Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson in the Bible had long hair. Moses had long hair. Even Abraham had long hair.”
The rabbi replies, “You’re right! And everywhere they went, they walked.”
🤣
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