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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
 

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • The Top Hat

    Leibowitz is sitting at his dining room table, wearing only a top hat, when Greenbaum walks in.

    “Why are you sitting here naked?”

    “It’s OK, nobody ever comes to visit.”

    “But why the hat?”

    “Maybe somebody will come.”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • Who’s The Most Famous Person?

    In a kindergarten class, the teacher offers the kids $5 if they can name the most famous person who ever lived.

    Little Sean O’Sullivan says, “Saint Patrick!”

    The teacher says, “No, I’m sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

    Little Johnny Williams says, “Abraham Lincoln!”

    She says, “No, Johnny, I’m afraid that’s not the answer.”

    Little David Goldberg says “Jesus Christ!”

    The teacher says, “That’s right, David, you get $5!”

    As he comes up to collect the money the teacher says, “You know David, being Jewish I’m surprised you said Jesus.”

    David replies, “In my heart I know it’s Moses, but business is business!”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • Rabbi’s Secret

    It’s Yom Kippur. The rabbi, who’s addicted to golf, goes out and plays a few holes before services. First hole, he makes birdie. Up in heaven, Moses turns to God and says, “You let him make a birdie playing golf on Yom Kippur?!”

    God says, “Just watch.” 

    On the second hole, the rabbi makes an eagle.

    Moses frowns, can’t believe what he’s seeing.  

    Then, on the third hole, the rabbi makes an unbelievable hole in one!

    Moses turns to God with outrage, “God, what are you doing, letting him get a birdie, an eagle, and a hole in one?!”

    God looks over at Moses and responds, “Who’s he going to tell?”

    🤣

    Watch Sal tell a different version of this joke: https://www.accidentaltalmudist.org/humor/2021/06/09/the-rabbi-played-golf-on-yom-kippur/

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • The Fortune Teller

    Feeling his days are numbered, the head of Hamas visits a fortune teller to find out when his end will come. She says, “You’re going to die on a Jewish holiday.”

    The terrorist demands to know, “Which holiday? Hanukkah? Passover? Which Jewish holiday will be the day of my death??”

    The astrologer answers, “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • The Newspaper

    In Berlin in the 1930’s, two old Jews are sitting on a park bench reading the newspaper. One is reading a Yiddish paper and the other guy’s reading a German newspaper.

    The first guy asks the other guy, “How can you read that Nazi rag?”

    The second guy responds, “What are you talking about? When I read the Yiddish paper, it’s all about Jews deported, Jews insulted, Jews assaulted. When I read the German paper, the news is much better! Turns out, we own the banks, we own the media, we control everything!”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • Car Accident

    An old man is hit by a car and brought to the hospital.

    A nurse enters the room and asks,“Sir, are you comfortable?”

    The old man shrugs. “Eh, I make a living.”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • Max’s Final Words

    Old Max Greenberg lies on his deathbed.

    He asks, “Is my wife Sara here?” “Yes,” says Sara. “I’m here with you!” “Are my children here?” “Yes, Max, your sons and your daughters are all here!” “Are my grandchildren here?” “Yes, all of the grandchildren are here. Max, your entire family is here with you!”

    Then Max Greenberg lifts his head one last time and asks, “So why is the light on in the kitchen?”

    🤣

    Image: “Old Man on his Death Bed” by Gustav Klimt, c. 1899

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • Genie in a Bottle

    Shloime and Esty go on a big vacation all the way across the world to Thailand. They’re having a great time until one day they get into a fight. Shloime goes on a walk on the beach by himself to cool off.

    While walking, he looks down to see an old-fashioned oil lamp in the sand. He picks it up and, as he rubs off the sand, a genie appears. 

    “My master,” the genie says, “I can grant you one wish. Tell me what you want.”

    Shloime pulls out his phone and shows the genie a map of Israel. “This is Israel. There’s always conflict there. Make peace between Israel and all its neighbors.”

    “You think we haven’t heard of the Middle East peace problem? This is far too complicated for a simple wish. Ask me for something reasonable.”

    Shloime thinks about his argument with Esty, his wife, and he says, “OK, my wish is to understand the mind of a woman.”

    The genie looks at Shloime and says, “Show me that map again.”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • The Second Wife

    Morty Greenbaum shows up at the country club with his new wife, a beautiful woman half his age.

    His buddies are very impressed and later they ask him how he got such a gorgeous young wife.

    “I lied about my age,” Morty confesses.

    They ask, “Did you tell her you were fifty?”

    “No,” replies Morty. “I told her I was ninety.”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
  • The Jewish Samurai

    The Emperor of China needed a new Chief Samurai. He held tryouts and selected three finalists for the prestigious position.

    The first finalist was a samurai from the south. He stepped forward and opened a small box, releasing a fly. The samurai drew his samurai sword, sliced the air, and the fly, split perfectly in two, fell dead to the ground.

    The second finalist, a samurai from the north, came forward holding an even smaller box. He opened it and out flew a gnat. The samurai drew his sword, striked, and the gnat, split in two, fell dead to the ground.

    The third finalist was Shimmy Yankowitz from Crown Heights, Brooklyn, carrying an old cigar box. Shimmy opened the box and out flew a bumble bee. He took out a very thin sword, striked, and the bumble bee flew away.

    The emperor, annoyed, said, “What kind of skill is that? The bee did not die!”

    Shimmy replied, “Of course not, sir. The circumcision is not intended to kill.”

    🤣

    Watch Sal Tell It
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