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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes


Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

 

Latest Jokes

  • A Warning Call To The Supreme Leader 🤣

    The Supreme Leader of Iran gets a phone call.

    “Shalom, Mr. Supreme Leader, this is Yankel from a little village in Israel. I’m calling to let you know that our morning minyan is officially declaring war on you.”

    “Well, Yankel, this is important news. Tell me, how big is your army?”

    “Currently, there is myself, my cousin Moishie, our next door neighbor Yossi, and the entire 6:00 am minyan  — that makes 18!”

    “I must tell you, Yankel, that I have one million men in my army ready to move on my command.”

    “Oy, I’ll call you back.”

    Next day.

    “All right, Mr. Supreme Leader, the war is still on! We acquired some equipment: two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Moishie’s tractor from the farm.”

    “Yankel, I have 16 thousand tanks and 14 thousand armored carriers.”

    “Really? I’ll call you back.”

    Next day.

    “Hello Mr. Supreme Leader, the war is still on. Now we’re airborne too! We modified Shimmie’s ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the 8:00 am Minyan joined us as well.”

    “Yankel, I have a thousand bombers, ten thousand MiG 19 fighter planes, and my bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missiles. And since we first spoke, my army has doubled in size to two million men.”

    “Really? I’ll call you back.”

    Next day.

    “Mr. Supreme Leader, I’m sorry to tell you the war is off.”

    “I’m very sorry to hear that, Yankel. Why the change of heart?”

    “We all had a chat, and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

    🤣

  • 🤣 Shoe Repair

    Going through an old drawer, Yankel found a 40-year-old ticket for shoe repair. He remembered bringing in his third best dress shoes for new heels and realized he’d forgotten all about them. 

    “I wonder if old Goldberg is still repairing shoes? I haven’t been in that neighborhood in ages!” So Yankel drove over, and to his amazement, Goldberg’s Shoe Repair was still there, with old Mr. Goldberg working behind the counter.

    Yankel figured his shoes were long gone, but it couldn’t hurt to ask, so he walked in, greeted Mr. Goldberg, and showed him the 40-year-old ticket.

    “Any chance you still have the shoes?” 

    “Let me check.”

    Old Goldberg toddled off into the back. A minute later, he called out, “Here they are!” 

    “Wow, this guy is amazing,” thought Yankel.

    Old Goldberg came back out, and handed the ticket back to Yankel.

    “They’ll be ready on Tuesday.”

    🤣

  • The Praying Parrot 🤣

    Yankel bought a parrot, hoping it might learn to say a few words. The next morning, he found the bird on the eastern side of its cage, rocking back and forth, mumbling. Stooping to listen, Yankel was shocked to hear his new parrot praying in Hebrew.

    “You’re Jewish?!”

    “Of course. Modern Orthodox. Are we going to shul on Rosh Hashanah?”

    “You want me to take you to synagogue?! This is unbelievable. Is this some kind of secret? Can I tell my friends about you?”

    “Tell anyone you want. Now let me finish davening.”

    Yankel immediately started bragging about his Jewish parrot. No one believed him, so he started taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had a thousand dollars riding on the bird.

    On the Day of Judgement, Yankel proudly set his parrot in front of the room. Everyone stared, even the rabbi, who bet twenty bucks against any parrot praying.

    Yankel urged it to pray. People started chuckling around the room.

    The parrot clucked a few times like any bird of its kind, but it didn’t pray. Yankel lost a thousand bucks.

    Back at home, Yankel grabbed the parrot by its scrawny neck.

    “Now you better start praying, you little twit! You humiliated me! You’re a dead bird!”

    “Don’t be a shmuck, Yankel! Yom Kippur’s next week. Everyone looks forward all year to the cantor singing Kol Nidrei on Yom Kippur. Tell everyone I’ll sing Kol Nidrei.”

    “Why would I do that?! You didn’t even pray in shul today!”

    “Exactly. Think of the odds you’ll get!”

    🤣

  • Who Said My Father Died? 🤣

    Yitzy visits the doctor for his annual  check-up.

    “Yitzy, you’re in terrific shape for a 60-year-old. You have the body of a 35 year old. Tell me,  how old was your father when he died?”

    “Who said my father died?”

    “Wow! How old is he, and is he active?”

    “Dad’s 82 and skis or surfs three times a week.”

    “Amazing! How old was your grandfather when he died?”

    “Who said my grandfather died?”

    “You’re kidding. How old is he, and is he active?”

    “Grandpa is 102, still skis and surfs, and he’s getting  married again.”

    “Why on earth would a 102-year-old want to get married again?”

    “Who said he wanted to? His mother pressured him into it!”

    🤣

    Image by Neil Moralee via Flickr

  • The Memorial Wall 🤣

    On Rosh Hashanah morning the rabbi noticed little Sammy staring up at the plaque in the synagogue lobby. It was covered with names, and American flags stood on either side. The seven-year old had been staring at the memorial for some time, so the rabbi walked up  and said, “Shana tova, Sammy. May you be inscribed for a good year.”

    “Shana tova, Rabbi,”answered Sammy, but he was still focused on the plaque.

    The rabbi was about to leave when Sammy asked, “Rabbi, what is this?”

    “Well, Sammy, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service.”

    Silently, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

    Finally Sammy whispered, “Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”

    🤣

  • Tell Me Something Positive 🤣

    Esther and Shmuly Rothenberg are getting ready for bed. Esther stares at her reflection in a full-length mirror.
    All I see in this mirror is an old woman. Wrinkles, bags under my eyes, fat on my legs, flab on my arms. Shmuly, tell me something positive so I can feel better about myself.”
    Shmuly considers this for a long moment and then says thoughtfully, “Well, Esther, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

    Services for Shmuly Rothenberg will be held Tuesday morning at Sinai Memorial Chapel.

    🤣

  • Sam Goes To Church 🤣

    Sam goes on a business trip to a new city and can’t find a synagogue. He figures God is everywhere, so he enters a church for morning prayers. He takes a seat in the back, puts on his prayer shawl and tefillin, and starts praying silently.

    The priest enters, observes the whispering of his congregants and steps up to the front of the room.

    “Good morning. Before we begin, I’d like to request that all non-Catholics please leave.”

    Sam keeps rocking back and forth, deep in his prayers.

    “Will all non-Catholics please leave!”

    No response from Sam. Everyone looks to see what the priest will do.

    “Will all JEWS please LEAVE NOW!”

    Sam finishes praying, stows his prayer shawl and tefillin in their bags, and walks to the front of the room. He passes the priest without saying a word and approaches the altar, where he picks up a statue of baby Jesus.

    “Come bubbela, they don’t want us here anymore.”

    🤣

  • Back in the U.S.S.R. 🤣

    In the 1970s, a Red Army school inspector questions a boy in class.

    “Who is your father?”

    “The Soviet Union.”

    “Who is your mother?”

    “The communist party.”

    “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    “I want to be a worker for the glory of the state and the party.”

    The inspector then points to one of the girls.

    “Who is your father?”

    “The Soviet Union.”

    “Who is your mother?”

    “The communist party.”

    “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    “A heroine of the Soviet Union raising many  children for the state and the party.”

    The inspector spots a Jewish boy in the back of the classroom trying to lay low.

    “What’s your name?”

    “Shmuly Rabinovich.”

    “Who is your father?”

    “The Soviet Union.”

    “Who is your mother?”

    “The communist party.”

    “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    “An orphan.”

    🤣

  • The Concert Hall 🤣

    A visitor to Israel attends a performance of the Israeli Philharmonic in the Schechter Concert Hall.

    Impressed by its architecture and the acoustics, he turns to his neighbor during the intermission and asks, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Aryeh Schechter, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

    “No, it’s named after Mike Schechter, the writer.”

    “Oh, I haven’t heard of him. What did he write?”

    “A check.”

    🤣

  • That’s a Lot of Pills! 🤣

    Mrs. Goldberg hasn’t been feeling well, so she goes to the doctor.  He listens to her extensive list of concerns, performs the examination, and returns with three bottles of pills.

    “When you wake up, please take 3 green pills with a big glass of water. Then take 4 blue pills with a big glass of water before lunch, and then 2 more blue pills with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take 5 red pills with another big glass of water.”

    “That’s a lot of pills! Doctor, be honest with me. What exactly is my diagnosis?”

    “You don’t drink enough water.”

    🤣

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