Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Latest Jokes
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The Top Hat
Leibowitz is sitting at his dining room table, wearing only a top hat, when Greenbaum walks in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s OK, nobody ever comes to visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”
🤣
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Car Accident
An old man is hit by a car and brought to the hospital.
A nurse enters the room and asks, “Sir, are you comfortable?”
The old man shrugs. “Eh, I make a living.”
🤣
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Max’s Final Words
Old Max Greenberg lies on his deathbed.
He asks, “Is my wife Sara here?” “Yes,” says Sara. “I’m here with you!” “Are my children here?” “Yes, Max, your sons and your daughters are all here!” “Are my grandchildren here?” “Yes, all of the grandchildren are here. Max, your entire family is here with you!”
Then Max Greenberg lifts his head one last time and asks, “So why is the light on in the kitchen?”
🤣
Image: “Old Man on his Death Bed” by Gustav Klimt, c. 1899
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Genie in a Bottle
Shloime and Esty go on a big vacation all the way across the world to Thailand. They’re having a great time until one day they get into a fight. Shloime goes on a walk on the beach by himself to cool off.
While walking, he looks down to see an old-fashioned oil lamp in the sand. He picks it up and, as he rubs off the sand, a genie appears.
“My master,” the genie says, “I can grant you one wish. Tell me what you want.”Shloime pulls out his phone and shows the genie a map of Israel. “This is Israel. There’s always conflict there. Make peace between Israel and all its neighbors.”
“You think we haven’t heard of the Middle East peace problem? This is far too complicated for a simple wish. Ask me for something reasonable.”
Shloime thinks about his argument with Esty, his wife, and he says, “OK, my wish is to understand the mind of a woman.”
The genie looks at Shloime and says, “Show me that map again.”
🤣
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The Second Wife
Morty Greenbaum shows up at the country club with his new wife, a beautiful woman half his age.
His buddies are very impressed and later they ask him how he got such a gorgeous young wife.
“I lied about my age,” Morty confesses.
They ask, “Did you tell her you were fifty?”
“No,” replies Morty. “I told her I was ninety.”
🤣
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The Jewish Samurai
The Emperor of China needed a new Chief Samurai. He held tryouts and selected three finalists for the prestigious position.
The first finalist was a samurai from the south. He stepped forward and opened a small box, releasing a fly. The samurai drew his samurai sword, sliced the air, and the fly, split perfectly in two, fell dead to the ground.
The second finalist, a samurai from the north, came forward holding an even smaller box. He opened it and out flew a gnat. The samurai drew his sword, striked, and the gnat, split in two, fell dead to the ground.
The third finalist was Shimmy Yankowitz from Crown Heights, Brooklyn, carrying an old cigar box. Shimmy opened the box and out flew a bumble bee. He took out a very thin sword, striked, and the bumble bee flew away.
The emperor, annoyed, said, “What kind of skill is that? The bee did not die!”
Shimmy replied, “Of course not, sir. The circumcision is not intended to kill.”
🤣
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Praying for Nothing
During Yom Kippur services the rabbi raises his arms to the heavens and cries out, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”
The cantor, upon seeing this, beats his chest and shouts, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”
Inspired by this display, an ordinary Jew at the back of the room stands and proclaims, “Oh God, before you I am nothing!”
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says scornfully, “Hmph. Look who thinks he’s nothing!”
🤣
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Poker Game
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game. The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”
Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”
🤣
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Shoe Repair
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, Yitzi brings his shoes in for a repair.
The shoe repairman tells him, “They’ll be ready in ten years.”
“Ten years from today?”
“Ten years from today.”
“That’s no good. I’ve got the plumber coming.”
🤣
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Captured By Cannibals
A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”
The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The cantor says, “Kill me first.”
🤣
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