Every day, Morrie has lunch in the same deli, and every day Morrie orders the beef barley soup.

One day he gets his soup, and as the waiter starts walking away, Morrie says, “Come back here. Taste the soup.”

“What’s wrong, Morrie? You’ve had that soup every day for 30 years.”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it too salty?”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it cold?”

“Taste. The. Soup.”

“Is there a fly in it, God forbid?”

“Taste the soup!”

“Okay, fine. I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”

“Aha!”

🤣

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There’s an old saying about husbands and wives.

Behind every successful man, there’s a surprised mother-in-law!

🤣

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Abe was an eater, and his favorite foods were the classics: pastrami, shmaltz, shwarma, rugeleh, cholent… which he’d wash down with a black cherry soda.

At his annual physical, Dr. Cohen shook his head and said, “Abe, you’re killing yourself with that stuff. Best thing for you to do is to give up all those fatty foods.”

Abe pondered that for a few seconds and then said, “Okay, doc. What’s the next best thing?”

🤣

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During the Six-Day War, the enemies of Israel identified a hill of great strategic importance, and when they realized it was guarded by a lone Israeli soldier, they sent in a platoon to attack immediately.

Thirty minutes later, the whole platoon had been captured by the lone Israeli.

As they were being led away, their lieutenant remarked, “I gotta admit, you Israelis are tough.”

“You think I’m tough? You should meet my husband!”

🤣

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A priest and a rabbi are flying to the Holy Land when the plane experiences heavy turbulence. They struggle to remain calm until the pilot announces that the engines are failing and everybody should brace for a water landing. In the midst of the ensuing panic, the priest is surprised to see the rabbi make the sign of the cross.

Thankfully, the plane lands safely in the Atlantic ocean. As they wait on the raft to be rescued, the priest turns to the rabbi.

“I noticed you made the sign of the cross at 20,000 feet. Perhaps it was your conversion that delivered us all from destruction!”

“Well, I share your relief at our deliverance, but it wasn’t on my account. I was just making the usual emergency check: spectacles, testicles, wallet and cigars.”

🤣

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With thanks to our dear friends Father Jason VanBorssum and Rabbi Yonah Bookstein

Yitzi goes to a New Year’s Eve party.

He’s having a great time but after a while he realizes he lost his wallet.

Yitzi’s not a shy guy, so he stands up and says “Excuse me! Excuse me! I lost my wallet with $500 in it. I’ll give $50 to whoever finds it!”

From the back of the room comes a voice, “I’ll give $75!”

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Max sees his pal Yitzy crawling around on his hands and knees near a lamp post, looking for something.

“Yitzy, what are you looking for?”

“My car keys.”

“You dropped them right here?”

“No, I dropped them down the street.”

“So why are you looking here?”

“The light is much better.”

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Image by Max Flinterman via Pexels

Rivky the matchmaker comes to see Lazer the ugly butcher.

“What can I get for you today, Rivky? Maybe a nice brisket?”

“No, Lazer, today I’m here for you!”

“For me? Don’t tell me, after all these years, you have a match for me?”

“I do.”

“I can only imagine what she looks like.”

“Take a look at her picture.”

“Oh my goodness, she’s beautiful!”

“Not only is she beautiful, she’s rich! And you are going on a date with her Saturday night!”

“Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that even with my ugly face I’m going out with this beautiful woman, this Saturday night. And she’s rich?”

“Yes!”

“Wow. She must be crazy.”

“Vell, you can’t have everything.”

🤣

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A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something in the distance. 

Praying it wasn’t a mirage, he hurried toward the object only to find a little old Jew standing beside his weathered display rack, selling ties. 

The terrorist blurted, “Give me water!” 

The old man replied, “Sorry, no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.” 

The terrorist screamed, “Idiot! Infidel! I don’t need an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties! I need water!” 

“Sorry, no water, just ties. Pure silk, and only $5.” 

“Fah! A curse on your ties!  I’d twist one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must save my strength and find water!” 

“Nu,” said the little old Jew, “so you don’t want to buy a tie from me, and you hate me, call me infidel and threaten my life. But I’m bigger than all of that, so I’ll tell you that if you go west, over that hill for about two miles, you’ll find a restaurant. They serve the finest food and all the ice-cold water you could ever drink. Go in peace.” 

Grumbling another curse, the desperate Taliban terrorist staggered west, over the hill.  

Several hours later, he crawled back, nearly dead, and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!”

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Image: Eddie Jaku, Auschwitz survivor and 100 years young.

While walking in Brooklyn, Yitzy was approached by a shabby derelict.

“Mister, can you spare two dollars so I can buy dinner?”

Yitzy took out two dollars and asked, “If I give you this, will you use it to buy whisky?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago.”

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I’m just trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend it on golf?”

“I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Will you spend it on cigarettes?”

“I quit years ago when the price shot up.”

Yitzy thought for a moment, and said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. I’m gonna take you  home for a terrific dinner, cooked by my wife.”

“Really? That’d be awesome, but won’t your wife be angry? I know I’m dirty, and I smell pretty bad.”

“Brother, that’s OK. I just want my wife to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, smoking and golf.”

🤣

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Image by fikret kabay via Pexels