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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes


Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

 

Latest Jokes

  • A Rabbi In Line To Enter Heaven 🤣

    A rabbi dies and finds himself waiting in line to enter Heaven. The guy ahead of him has a shaved head, gold chains, leather jacket, and shades.

    The angel Gabriel asks the bald guy, “Name and occupation?”

    “Rafi Eskenazy, taxi driver.”

    Gabriel checks his list and smiles. “Shalom aleichem! Silk robe, gold staff. Welcome to Heaven!”

    Next comes the rabbi.

    “Name and occupation?”

    The rabbi draws himself up with great dignity and says, “Avraham Baruch Cohen, Senior Rabbi of Beth Jacob Synagogue for 37 years.”

    Gabriel checks his list and nods, “Yup. Cotton robe, wooden staff. Keep it moving please.”

    “Hold it,” says Rabbi Cohen, “the man before me was a taxi driver. Why does he get special attention?”

    “Up here, it’s all about results,” says Gabriel. “When you sermonized, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”

    🤣

  • Two Burglars Come Down A Chimney…🤣

    A young man knocks on the door of a great Talmudic scholar.

    “Rabbi, I wish to study Talmud.”

    “Do you know Aramaic?”

    “No.”

    “Hebrew?”

    “No.”

    “Have you ever studied Torah?”

    “No, Rabbi, but I graduated from Harvard summa cum laude in philosophy, and received a PhD from Yale. I’d like to round out my education with a bit of Talmud.”

    “I doubt that you are ready for Talmud. It is the broadest and deepest of books. If you wish, however, I will examine you in logic, and if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud.”

    “Good. I’m well versed in logic.”

    “First question. Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    ”The burglar with the dirty face.”

    “Wrong. The one with the clean face. Examine the logic. The burglar with a dirty face looks at the one with a clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face looks at the burglar with a dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes.”

    “Very clever. Another question please.”

    “Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    “We established that. The burglar with the clean face washes.”

    “Wrong. Both wash. Examine the logic. The one with a dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face thinks his face is dirty. So the burglar with a clean face washes. When the one with a dirty face sees him washing, however, he realizes his face must be dirty too. Thus both wash.”

    “I didn’t think of that. Please ask me another.”

    “Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    “Well, we know both wash.”

    “Wrong. Neither washes. Examine the logic. The one with the dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face thinks his face is dirty. But when clean-face sees that dirty-face doesn’t bother to wash, he also doesn’t bother. So neither washes. As you can see, you are not ready for Talmud.”

    “Rabbi, please, give me one more test.”

    “Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    “Neither!”

    “Wrong. And perhaps now you will see why Harvard and Yale cannot prepare you for Talmud. Tell me, how is it possible that two men come down the same chimney, and one emerges with a clean face, while the other has a dirty face?”

    “But you’ve just given me four contradictory answers to the same question! That’s impossible!”

    “No, my son, that’s Talmud.”

    🤣

  • A Pauper and his Brother knocked on Baron Rothschild’s Door…🤣

    Chutzpah is…

    A certain pauper and his brother visited the famous Jewish philanthropist Baron Rothschild every month. 

    Each would receive 5 pounds. The brother died, and the next month the pauper came alone. 

    Rothschild’s secretary handed him the usual 5 pounds.

    “You’ve made a mistake. I get 5 for me and 5 for my brother.”

    “Your brother died. This is your 5.”

    “What do you mean?” exclaimed the pauper, as he drew himself up indignantly. “Am I my brother’s heir, or is Rothschild?”

    🤣

  • The Coming Flood 🤣

    As a result of climate change, a new flood is predicted by the world’s top scientists. They announce it will be horrendous, wiping out over 70 percent of the world’s population.

    And it will happen in four days.

    To comfort the people of the world, the Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Chief Rabbi of Israel appear on TV.

    The Pope says, “My children, there is still time to accept Jesus as your savior.”

    The Dalai Lama says, “I ask all of you to follow Buddhist teachings, so that you may find inner peace in the midst of disaster.”

    The Chief Rabbi says, “My people, we have four days to learn how to live underwater!”

    🤣

  • The Rabbi’s Watch 🤣

    Naughty little Benny stole the Rabbi’s gold watch.

    That night he couldn’t sleep, so the next morning he went to the Rabbi’s office before school.

    “Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.”

    “Benny, that’s a big sin. Return it to the owner immediately.”

    “Do you want it?”

    “No, I said return it to its owner.”

    “But he doesn’t want it.”

    “Ah, in that case, you can keep it.”

    🤣

  • Lady, I’m Not A Nice Man 🤣

    She hurried into the pharmacy, got the medicine, and hustled back to the car. Only then did she realize she’d locked her keys inside.

    “Oh no!”

    Not giving up, she looked around for a tool.

    “Aha!”

    She spotted a rusty coat hanger. She tried to open the door. Failed.

    “I don’t know how to do this. God, please, please, please send help!”

    A moment later, a scraggly biker pulled up.

    “Lady, you need a hand?”

    “Yes! My daughter is sick. I have the medicine, but I locked my keys in the car. Can you open it with this hanger?”

    “Sure.”

    Nine seconds later, the car was open.

    “Thank You, God, for sending such a nice man!”

    “Lady, I’m not a nice man. I got out of prison yesterday. I did three years for car theft.”

    She gave the man a hug.

    “And thank You, God, for sending a professional!”

    🤣

    With thanks to Rabbi Yisroel Hecht

    Image by Mattia Panciroli via Flickr

  • The Brisket 🤣

    A young mother is preparing brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her little daughter watches with interest as she slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.

    “Mom, why do you cut off the ends?”

    “You know, I’m not sure. This is the way Grandma always did it. Let’s call her and ask.”

    “Hi, Sweetheart!”

    “Hi, Mom. We were just wondering why you cut off the ends of the brisket before roasting?”

    “Hmm. To be honest, I’m not sure. Let’s all go visit my mother and ask her.”

    “Oh, what a joy! My daughter, granddaughter and great-grand-daughter all on the same day!”

    “Mom, we were just wondering why you cut off the ends of the brisket before roasting?”

    “Well, I don’t know why you do it, but I never had a pan that was big enough!”

    🤣

    With thanks to Julie Shuer

  • If The Man Who Found This Is A Liar And A Thief 🤣

    A poor Jew finds a money clip with $700 in it. At his synagogue, he reads a notice saying that a wealthy congregant lost his money clip and is offering a $100 reward for it. He spots the owner and gives him the clip.

    The rich man counts the money and says, “I see you already took your reward.”

    The poor man answers, “What?”

    “This clip had $800 in it when I lost it.”

    They begin arguing, and eventually come before the rabbi.

    Both state their case.  The rich man concludes by saying, “Rabbi, I trust you believe me.”

    The rabbi says, “Of course,” and the rich man smiles. The poor man is crushed.

    Then the rabbi hands the clip to the poor man.

    “What are you doing?!” yells the rich man.

    The rabbi answers, “You are, of course, an honest man, and you say the clip you lost had $800 in it. Therefore I’m sure it did. But if the man who found this clip is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all. Which means that this clip must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money. Until then, it belongs to the man who found it.”

    “What about my money?” the rich man asks.

    “Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds a clip with $800 in it…”

    🤣

  • The Complaining Congregant 🤣

    During his first service leading the community, the new rabbi noticed an older congregant walk over to the synagogue president and demand rather loudly that the air conditioning be turned down because it was too cold.

    The president nodded kindly and took care of it.

    Just a few prayers later, the same congregant asked the president to have the air conditioning turned up because it was too hot.

    Not long after, it was too cold for the congregant, and then too hot, etc. all morning long.

    The president always nodded kindly and took care of it.

    After services, the new rabbi said to the president, “I was very impressed with your patience in handling the individual who kept complaining about the air conditioner.

    “It’s no big deal. We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

    🤣

  • A 3,000 Year Old Mummy 🤣

    A famous Israeli archaeologist was digging in the Negev when he discovered a mummy – a highly unusual occurrence.

    He immediately called the head of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

    “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy who died of heart failure!”

    “Bring him in. We’ll have him examined.”

    A week later, the archaeologist was called in.

    “You were right about the mummy’s age and his cause of death. How on earth did you know?”

    “My friend, I have 35 years’ experience. And he was holding a parchment that said 10,000 shekels on Goliath.”

    🤣

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