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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
 

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • Dear Lord, Lend Me Strength To…🤣

    “Dear Lord, so far today, I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.

    “Thank you, Lord, for lending me the strength to do that.

    “But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to need a lot more help, because I’m getting out of bed…”

    🤣

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  • Shabbat With The Mayor 🤣

    In an effort to better understand his Jewish constituents, the Mayor reached out to a popular Rabbi.

    The Rabbi invited the Mayor to spend Shabbat at his home.

    The Rabbi made Kiddush (blessing) Friday night on a full cup of wine.

    After the fish, they made a l’chaim (a toast to life) on some fine Scotch.

    The main course came with Israeli wine.

    They said grace after meal with another cup of wine.

    The next day they made Kiddush on wine at the synagogue.

    After the service, they ate crackers with herring and made a few l’chaims on schnapps.

    They went home and the Rabbi made Kiddush for his family on another cup of wine, some l’chaim after fish, a nice single malt with the cholent (stew) and some more wine for grace after the meal.

    And then when it got dark, another cup of wine for Havdalah (end of Shabbat).

    The Mayor said to the Rabbi, “I had a wonderful time! Thank you for sharing Shabbat with me. I still don’t get why you can’t turn the lights off, but I do understand why you don’t drive!”

    🤣

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  • The Secret To A Good Sermon… As Told By George Burns 🤣

    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

    Amen, George!

    🤣

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  • Praying for Rain 🤣

    Once in the old country, it hadn’t rained for months. Hunger was setting in, and the villagers were getting desperate.

    The Rabbi decreed that all the men would pray for rain on a nearby mountaintop.

    They did so, and… no rain.

    They resolved to climb the mountain again the following day, and bring their wives and children.

    They did, and… still no rain.

    The following day they brought the old, the sick, and the babies.

    Still no rain.

    Next day, they brought along every chicken, goat, horse, and donkey in the village.

    Still nothing.

    The Rabbi raised his eyes to the sky and said, “Why, G-d?! Why don’t you hear our prayers?!”

    A voice from Heaven answered, “BECAUSE YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN PRAYER!”

    “Why do you say we don’t believe?”

    “BECAUSE NOBODY BROUGHT AN UMBRELLA!”

    🤣

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  • The Debutante Ball 🤣

    It’s 1958, and the captain of the US Navy base in Biloxi, Mississippi gets a call.

    “Captain, my name is Amelia Ainsley. Of the Biloxi Ainsleys, as I’m sure you are aware?”

    “I’m new to the area, ma’am.”

    “Well, Captain, when an Ainsley comes out at a debutante ball, it’s quite the thing. And this is my daughter’s year. I would like you to send over four young officers, handsome of course. Impeccably dressed, unmarried, and well-bred.”

    “I suppose we have some boys like that.”

    “They should expect an evening of polite conversation, proper dancing, and a bit of punch. No drunkenness. Oh, and Captain, I’m sure it goes without saying, but no Jews. We surely don’t like Jews, particularly at an Ainsley affair.”

    “Copy that, ma’am. No Jews it is.”

    The night arrives, and Mrs. Ainsley opens the door of Ainsley Hall to find four handsome, impeccably dressed, African-American naval officers on her porch.

    “Uh…. uh… there must be some mistake!”

    “Oh no, ma’am, Captain Cohen doesn’t make mistakes.”

    🤣

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  • The 100 to 1 Lemon Bet 🤣

    Big John was the strongest man around. He was so sure of it, he had a standing 100-to-1 bet.

    He’d squeeze a whole lemon into a glass.

    Then he’d the hand the peel to any challenger. If the man could squeeze out a single drop more, Big John would pay him 100 to 1.

    Many people tried – weight-lifters, rowers, wrestlers, boxers – but nobody could do it, and Big John made a tidy sum taking their bets.

    One day, Sidney Hymanwasser approached Big John in a pub, and laid $100 on the bar.

    Big John and his pals looked down at scrawny Sidney, all 5 feet 2 inches of him, and laughed.

    “Happy to take your money, little fella.”

    A lemon was brought out, and Big John filled a whiskey glass with its juice.

    Every patron in the pub chuckled as Big John handed the wrinkled peel to Sidney.

    The smaller man wrapped his hands around it, and squeezed.

    Shock filled the room, as not one, but four drops fell into the glass!

    Scowling, Big John counted off $10,000 and asked, “What are you, a circus act or something?”

    “No, chairman of my temple’s building fund.”

    🤣

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  • Yeshiva Rowers 🤣

    Yeshiva University decides to offer a new sport: rowing. Unfortunately, the team loses one race after another. Though they train for hours every day, they always finish dead last.

    Finally the team sends captain Tzvi Kepplestein to spy on Harvard, the perennial champions.

    Tzvi drives up to Cambridge and hides in the bushes beside the Charles River. He watches the Harvard crew practice for a week, and carefully takes notes.

    Upon his return to Yeshiva U, Tzvi gathers his teammates.

    “I figured out their secret.”

    “Baruch HaShem! What is it? Tell us!”

    “We should only have one guy yelling, and the other eight row.”

    🤣

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    Image: Harvard crew on the Charles, 1986. Accidental Talmudist is the one in a hat.

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  • Four Nuns Were About To Take Their Vows When…🤣

    Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

    Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them “Brides of Christ.”

    Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

    The Mother Superior said, “I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?”

    “We’re from the groom’s family.”

    🤣

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    Image thanks to Amy Otto

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  • Driving Through Israel During Sukkot…🤣

    A Texan was driving through Israel during Sukkot and began to feel thirsty.

    Because of the holiday, he couldn’t find anything open.

    Noticing a sukkah (festival dwelling) by the side of the road, he stopped and met the owner.

    “Can you give me a drink of water?”

    “Of course,” said the Israeli, and invited the Texan into his sukkah.

    His thirst quenched, the Texan asked, “What do you do?”

    “I raise vegetables and have a few chickens.”

    “Really? I’m a farmer too. How much land do you have?”

    “Well,” said the Israeli, “out front it’s a good fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of fine land. And you?”

    “Well,” says the Texan, “on my ranch, I can have breakfast, get in my car, drive all day, and I don’t reach the end of my property until dinnertime.”

    “Hawh! I know what you mean – I once had a car like that too.”

    🤣

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  • An EL AL Holiday Flight 🤣

    As the holiday flight landed at Ben Gurion airport, the Captain announced:

    “Welcome to Israel! Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until our plane comes to a complete stop. I repeat, do not stand up until the seat belt signs have been turned off.

    “For those of you still in your seats, we wish you a very Merry Christmas!

    “For those standing in the aisles, Happy Hanukkah!”

    🤣

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