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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
 

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • The Richest Man In Town Dies 🤣

    The richest man in town dies and hundreds of mourners attend the funeral.

    Among them, the rabbi notices Mendy, a poor tailor, crying as if his heart is shattered.

    “I see how difficult this is for you, Mendy. Were you closely related to the deceased?”

    “No,” says Mendy, choking back a sob. “I wasn’t related at all!”

    “But then why do you weep?”

    “That’s why!”

    🤣

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    Image: Sholem Alecheim’s funeral in New York City, 1916, via WikiCommons

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  • Shlomo, Why Are You Reading An Arab Newspaper? 🤣

    We have to laugh during tough times, because that’s what Jews do.

    Shlomo is on the train reading a newspaper, when his friend Mendel walks in.

    “Shlomo, why on earth are you reading an Arab paper?”

    “When I read the Jewish papers, all I find is Jews under attack, synagogues under attack, Israel under attack. But when I read the Arab papers, what do I find? Jews control the media, Jews control the government, Jews rule the world. Mendel, the news is much better!”

    🤣

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    Image: Jack Klugman in my first film, When Do We Eat?

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  • “I vont to go India and see de guru.” 🤣

    Jews are very spiritual people. Sometimes, a Jew doesn’t realize how rich our own spiritual tradition is, and seeks enlightenment elsewhere…

    Back in the 1980’s, Mitzi Feingold, an aging lady with a Yiddish accent, called her travel agent.

    “I vont go to India and see de guru.”

    “Mitzi, not India! It’s crowded, hot, and too difficult for a lady alone.”

    “I vont go to India and see de guru.”

    “What will you eat? The food is too spicy. You can’t drink the water. You’ll get typhoid, malaria… Why torture yourself?”

    “I vont go to India and see de guru.”

    The agent shakes his head, and makes the arrangements.

    Mitzi arrives in India. Undeterred by the crowds, she makes her way to the ashram.

    She joins an enormous line of people waiting to see the guru. His assistant tells her that it will take at least three days to reach the guru.

    “Dat’s OK.”

    Eventually she reaches the the golden door. The aide tells her firmly, “You can only say three words.”

    “Dat’s OK.”

    She is ushered into the inner sanctum. The wise guru is seated, bestowing spiritual blessings on the eager visitors ahead of Mitzi.

    Just before she reaches him, the aide reminds her, “Remember, only three words.”

    She reaches the guru, looks him straight in the eye, and says: “Sheldon, it’s time to come home!”

    🤣

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    Image: the former Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Dalai Lama

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  • An Anti-Semite Walks Into A Bar 🤣

    An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn’t like it.

    “Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!”

    Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

    The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

    The Jew smiles back.

    The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

    “Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a burger!”

    He looks directly at the Jew and adds, “Everyone except the Jew.”

    The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

    Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, “Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?”

    “Oh no, sir, he’s the owner.”

    🤣

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    Image: Andy Harrington, the oldest bartender in America, 1947. Courtesy Boston Public Library

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  • Leaving Moscow with Lenin 🤣

    An old Jewish man finally got his visa to leave the USSR and emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs official found his bust of Lenin.

    “What is that?”

    “WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the genius who created our worker’s paradise!”

    The Soviet official chuckled and let the old man through.

    When the old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

    “What is that?”

    “WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the son-of-a-b*tch! I will display him over my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home!”

    The Israeli official laughed and let him through.

    When the old man arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

    “Who is that?”

    “WHO is that?! You mean WHAT is that?! THAT, my child, is eight pounds of gold!”

    🤣

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  • A Rabbi In Line To Enter Heaven 🤣

    A rabbi dies and finds himself waiting in line to enter Heaven. The guy ahead of him has a shaved head, gold chains, leather jacket, and shades.

    The angel Gabriel asks the bald guy, “Name and occupation?”

    “Rafi Eskenazy, taxi driver.”

    Gabriel checks his list and smiles. “Shalom aleichem! Silk robe, gold staff. Welcome to Heaven!”

    Next comes the rabbi.

    “Name and occupation?”

    The rabbi draws himself up with great dignity and says, “Avraham Baruch Cohen, Senior Rabbi of Beth Jacob Synagogue for 37 years.”

    Gabriel checks his list and nods, “Yup. Cotton robe, wooden staff. Keep it moving please.”

    “Hold it,” says Rabbi Cohen, “the man before me was a taxi driver. Why does he get special attention?”

    “Up here, it’s all about results,” says Gabriel. “When you sermonized, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”

    🤣

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  • Two Burglars Come Down A Chimney…🤣

    A young man knocks on the door of a great Talmudic scholar.

    “Rabbi, I wish to study Talmud.”

    “Do you know Aramaic?”

    “No.”

    “Hebrew?”

    “No.”

    “Have you ever studied Torah?”

    “No, Rabbi, but I graduated from Harvard summa cum laude in philosophy, and received a PhD from Yale. I’d like to round out my education with a bit of Talmud.”

    “I doubt that you are ready for Talmud. It is the broadest and deepest of books. If you wish, however, I will examine you in logic, and if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud.”

    “Good. I’m well versed in logic.”

    “First question. Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    ”The burglar with the dirty face.”

    “Wrong. The one with the clean face. Examine the logic. The burglar with a dirty face looks at the one with a clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face looks at the burglar with a dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes.”

    “Very clever. Another question please.”

    “Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    “We established that. The burglar with the clean face washes.”

    “Wrong. Both wash. Examine the logic. The one with a dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face thinks his face is dirty. So the burglar with a clean face washes. When the one with a dirty face sees him washing, however, he realizes his face must be dirty too. Thus both wash.”

    “I didn’t think of that. Please ask me another.”

    “Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    “Well, we know both wash.”

    “Wrong. Neither washes. Examine the logic. The one with the dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face thinks his face is dirty. But when clean-face sees that dirty-face doesn’t bother to wash, he also doesn’t bother. So neither washes. As you can see, you are not ready for Talmud.”

    “Rabbi, please, give me one more test.”

    “Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

    “Neither!”

    “Wrong. And perhaps now you will see why Harvard and Yale cannot prepare you for Talmud. Tell me, how is it possible that two men come down the same chimney, and one emerges with a clean face, while the other has a dirty face?”

    “But you’ve just given me four contradictory answers to the same question! That’s impossible!”

    “No, my son, that’s Talmud.”

    🤣

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  • Two Paupers and Baron Rothschild 🤣

    Chutzpah is…

    A certain pauper and his brother visited the famous Jewish philanthropist Baron Rothschild every month.

    Each would receive 5 pounds. The brother died, and the next month the pauper came alone.

    Rothschild’s secretary handed him the usual 5 pounds.

    “You’ve made a mistake. I get 5 for me and 5 for my brother.”

    “Your brother died. This is your 5.”

    “What do you mean?” exclaimed the pauper, as he drew himself up indignantly. “Am I my brother’s heir, or is Rothschild?”

    🤣

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  • The Coming Flood 🤣

    As a result of climate change, a new flood is predicted by the world’s top scientists. They announce it will be horrendous, wiping out over 70 percent of the world’s population.

    And it will happen in four days.

    To comfort the people of the world, the Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Chief Rabbi of Israel appear on TV.

    The Pope says, “My children, there is still time to accept Jesus as your savior.”

    The Dalai Lama says, “I ask all of you to follow Buddhist teachings, so that you may find inner peace in the midst of disaster.”

    The Chief Rabbi says, “My people, we have four days to learn how to live underwater!”

    🤣

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  • The Rabbi’s Watch 🤣

    Naughty little Benny stole the Rabbi’s gold watch.

    That night he couldn’t sleep, so the next morning he went to the Rabbi’s office before school.

    “Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.”

    “Benny, that’s a big sin. Return it to the owner immediately.”

    “Do you want it?”

    “No, I said return it to its owner.”

    “But he doesn’t want it.”

    “Ah, in that case, you can keep it.”

    🤣

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