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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
 

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • The 100 to 1 Lemon Bet 🤣

    Big John was the strongest man around. He was so sure of it, he had a standing 100-to-1 bet.

    He’d squeeze a whole lemon into a glass.

    Then he’d the hand the peel to any challenger. If the man could squeeze out a single drop more, Big John would pay him 100 to 1.

    Many people tried – weight-lifters, rowers, wrestlers, boxers – but nobody could do it, and Big John made a tidy sum taking their bets.

    One day, Sidney Hymanwasser approached Big John in a pub, and laid $100 on the bar.

    Big John and his pals looked down at scrawny Sidney, all 5 feet 2 inches of him, and laughed.

    “Happy to take your money, little fella.”

    A lemon was brought out, and Big John filled a whiskey glass with its juice.

    Every patron in the pub chuckled as Big John handed the wrinkled peel to Sidney.

    The smaller man wrapped his hands around it, and squeezed.

    Shock filled the room, as not one, but four drops fell into the glass!

    Scowling, Big John counted off $10,000 and asked, “What are you, a circus act or something?”

    “No, chairman of my temple’s building fund.”

    🤣

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  • Yeshiva Rowers 🤣

    Yeshiva University decides to offer a new sport: rowing. Unfortunately, the team loses one race after another. Though they train for hours every day, they always finish dead last.

    Finally the team sends captain Tzvi Kepplestein to spy on Harvard, the perennial champions.

    Tzvi drives up to Cambridge and hides in the bushes beside the Charles River. He watches the Harvard crew practice for a week, and carefully takes notes.

    Upon his return to Yeshiva U, Tzvi gathers his teammates.

    “I figured out their secret.”

    “Baruch HaShem! What is it? Tell us!”

    “We should only have one guy yelling, and the other eight row.”

    🤣

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    Image: Harvard crew on the Charles, 1986. Accidental Talmudist is the one in a hat.

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  • Four Nuns Were About To Take Their Vows When…🤣

    Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

    Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them “Brides of Christ.”

    Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

    The Mother Superior said, “I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?”

    “We’re from the groom’s family.”

    🤣

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    Image thanks to Amy Otto

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  • Driving Through Israel During Sukkot…🤣

    A Texan was driving through Israel during Sukkot and began to feel thirsty.

    Because of the holiday, he couldn’t find anything open.

    Noticing a sukkah (festival dwelling) by the side of the road, he stopped and met the owner.

    “Can you give me a drink of water?”

    “Of course,” said the Israeli, and invited the Texan into his sukkah.

    His thirst quenched, the Texan asked, “What do you do?”

    “I raise vegetables and have a few chickens.”

    “Really? I’m a farmer too. How much land do you have?”

    “Well,” said the Israeli, “out front it’s a good fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of fine land. And you?”

    “Well,” says the Texan, “on my ranch, I can have breakfast, get in my car, drive all day, and I don’t reach the end of my property until dinnertime.”

    “Hawh! I know what you mean – I once had a car like that too.”

    🤣

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  • An EL AL Holiday Flight 🤣

    As the holiday flight landed at Ben Gurion airport, the Captain announced:

    “Welcome to Israel! Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until our plane comes to a complete stop. I repeat, do not stand up until the seat belt signs have been turned off.

    “For those of you still in your seats, we wish you a very Merry Christmas!

    “For those standing in the aisles, Happy Hanukkah!”

    🤣

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  • An Interfaith Conference 🤣

    At an interfaith conference, a priest, a minister and a rabbi were asked, “What would you like people to say about you at your funeral?”

    The priest said, “I hope they’ll say I cared for the weakest and most vulnerable members of our community.”

    The minister said, “I hope they’ll say I inspired my flock to go out and make a difference in the world.”

    The rabbi said, “I hope they’ll say, ‘Look, he’s breathing!'”

    🤣

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  • Will The Rabbi Try The Ham? 🤣

    A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

    “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

    The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding!”

    🤣

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  • Are You Jewish? 🤣

    A woman on the F train turns to the man next to her.

    “Excuse me,” she says, “but are you Jewish?”

    “No,” replies the man.

    A few minutes later the woman turns again.

    “I’m sorry, but are you sure you’re not Jewish?”

    “I’m sure.”

    A few more minutes go by.

    “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?”

    “OK, fine. You win. Yes, I’m Jewish.”

    “It’s funny,” she says.” You don’t look Jewish.”

    😂

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  • Shabbos With A New Husband 🤣

    A rabbi dies. After some time has passed, the congregation encourages his wife Sarah to marry again. The only available candidate is Moishe the butcher. Although reluctant, because she was used to living with a scholar, Sarah accepts and they are soon married.

    On her first Friday afternoon as a new wife, Moishe tells Sarah, “My mother always said that before the start of Shabbos, it is a mitzvah to make love before going to shul.” So they do.

    When they come back from shul, Moishe tells Sarah, “According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love as soon as you come back from shul.” They do.

    When it’s time to go to sleep, Moishe says, “My grandfather told me that one should always make love late on Shabbos night.” So they do.

    As soon as they awake in the morning, Moishe tells Sarah, “My aunt says that a pious Jew always starts the Shabbos day by making love.” And once again, they do.

    Next day, Sunday, Sarah goes out to the market and meets a congregant who asks her, “So, Sarah, how is the new husband?”

    “Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but Moishe comes from a wonderful family!”

    🤣

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  • Last Meal And Testament 🤣

    Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors said they had the right to one final meal before dying.

    They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

    “Good French wine and and a baguette,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate, and then they executed him.

    Next was the Italian’s turn. “Give me a big plate of pasta,” he said. They brought it, he ate, and they executed him.

    Then came the Jew. “Please bring me a big bowl of strawberries,” he said.

    “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

    “So, I’ll wait…”

    🤣

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