Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Latest Jokes
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The Aisle Seat 🤣
Old Sid Finkel was very particular about air travel. He specifically asked the airline for a window seat. When the time came to check in, however, he was given an aisle seat. All his complaints met with, “Sorry sir, there’s nothing we can do.”
During the entire trip, he fidgeted, squirmed and kvetched. When the plane landed Syd went straight to customer service.
“I specifically asked for a window seat! I got hit by the drink cart. There was a man snoring across the aisle. A child spilled juice on me. It was miserable! Now I specifically asked for a window seat when I purchased the ticket and your airline told me I would get one. But see! Look at my boarding pass. Aisle seat.”
“I’m very sorry, sir. Did you by any chance try to trade seats with the person sitting next to you?”
“That was impossible!”
“Why, sir?”
“Because there was nobody in that seat!”
🤣
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Image by Todd Lappin
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Einstein’s Theory of Relativity 🤣
Few people understand what Einstein discovered. Even fewer understood it while he lived.
A crusty old Jew from the old country once asked his grandson what all the fuss was about.
“Professor Einstein is the greatest living scientist,” his grandson replied.
“This I have heard, but what did he invent?”
“The Theory of Relativity.”
“And you do what with it?”
“It’s pretty complicated, Grandpa.”
“It wasn’t complicated getting away from the Nazis? Tell it to me!”
“Let me put it this way… if a guy’s girlfriend sits on his lap, an hour feels like a minute. But if the same guy sits on a hot stove, a minute feels like an hour. That’s the Theory of Relativity.”
“Hmph. And from this your Einstein makes a living?”
🤣
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Napoleon’s Jewish Commander 🤣
After winning a battle that vastly expanded his empire, Napoleon summoned his commanders to a celebration.
“Gentlemen, today I reward your courage! Ask and it shall be granted!”
The Bavarian commander said, “Autonomy for Bavaria!”
“So it shall be!”
The Slovakian commander said, “Liberty for Slovakia!”
“So it shall be!”
And so it went for the Arabian and the Ukrainian generals.
Finally, the commander of the Jewish legion stepped forward.
“And what for you, my loyal friend?”
“I would like a cup of hot coffee with milk and no sugar, two bagels with cream cheese, and some lox on the side.”
“Bring my friend his breakfast immediately!”
As the Jewish commander sat down to eat, the other commanders gaped in amazement.
“You fool!” said the Bavarian commander. “Why make such a stupid request? You could have asked for a nation, or riches and power! Why waste your wish on bagels?”
“At least I got what I asked for.”
🤣
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Adapted from Two Bagels on Philip Chircop’s blog.
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The Richest Man In Town Dies 🤣
The richest man in town dies and hundreds of mourners attend the funeral.
Among them, the rabbi notices Mendy, a poor tailor, crying as if his heart is shattered.
“I see how difficult this is for you, Mendy. Were you closely related to the deceased?”
“No,” says Mendy, choking back a sob. “I wasn’t related at all!”
“But then why do you weep?”
“That’s why!”
🤣
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Image: Sholem Alecheim’s funeral in New York City, 1916, via WikiCommons
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Shlomo, Why Are You Reading An Arab Newspaper? 🤣
We have to laugh during tough times, because that’s what Jews do.
Shlomo is on the train reading a newspaper, when his friend Mendel walks in.
“Shlomo, why on earth are you reading an Arab paper?”
“When I read the Jewish papers, all I find is Jews under attack, synagogues under attack, Israel under attack. But when I read the Arab papers, what do I find? Jews control the media, Jews control the government, Jews rule the world. Mendel, the news is much better!”
🤣
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Image: Jack Klugman in my first film, When Do We Eat?
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“I vont to go India and see de guru.” 🤣
Jews are very spiritual people. Sometimes, a Jew doesn’t realize how rich our own spiritual tradition is, and seeks enlightenment elsewhere…
Back in the 1980’s, Mitzi Feingold, an aging lady with a Yiddish accent, called her travel agent.
“I vont go to India and see de guru.”
“Mitzi, not India! It’s crowded, hot, and too difficult for a lady alone.”
“I vont go to India and see de guru.”
“What will you eat? The food is too spicy. You can’t drink the water. You’ll get typhoid, malaria… Why torture yourself?”
“I vont go to India and see de guru.”
The agent shakes his head, and makes the arrangements.
Mitzi arrives in India. Undeterred by the crowds, she makes her way to the ashram.
She joins an enormous line of people waiting to see the guru. His assistant tells her that it will take at least three days to reach the guru.
“Dat’s OK.”
Eventually she reaches the the golden door. The aide tells her firmly, “You can only say three words.”
“Dat’s OK.”
She is ushered into the inner sanctum. The wise guru is seated, bestowing spiritual blessings on the eager visitors ahead of Mitzi.
Just before she reaches him, the aide reminds her, “Remember, only three words.”
She reaches the guru, looks him straight in the eye, and says: “Sheldon, it’s time to come home!”
🤣
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Image: the former Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Dalai Lama
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An Anti-Semite Walks Into A Bar 🤣
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn’t like it.
“Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!”
Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
“Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a burger!”
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, “Everyone except the Jew.”
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, “Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?”
“Oh no, sir, he’s the owner.”
🤣
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Image: Andy Harrington, the oldest bartender in America, 1947. Courtesy Boston Public Library
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Leaving Moscow with Lenin 🤣
An old Jewish man finally got his visa to leave the USSR and emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs official found his bust of Lenin.
“What is that?”
“WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the genius who created our worker’s paradise!”
The Soviet official chuckled and let the old man through.
When the old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
“What is that?”
“WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the son-of-a-b*tch! I will display him over my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home!”
The Israeli official laughed and let him through.
When the old man arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
“Who is that?”
“WHO is that?! You mean WHAT is that?! THAT, my child, is eight pounds of gold!”
🤣
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A Rabbi In Line To Enter Heaven 🤣
A rabbi dies and finds himself waiting in line to enter Heaven. The guy ahead of him has a shaved head, gold chains, leather jacket, and shades.
The angel Gabriel asks the bald guy, “Name and occupation?”
“Rafi Eskenazy, taxi driver.”
Gabriel checks his list and smiles. “Shalom aleichem! Silk robe, gold staff. Welcome to Heaven!”
Next comes the rabbi.
“Name and occupation?”
The rabbi draws himself up with great dignity and says, “Avraham Baruch Cohen, Senior Rabbi of Beth Jacob Synagogue for 37 years.”
Gabriel checks his list and nods, “Yup. Cotton robe, wooden staff. Keep it moving please.”
“Hold it,” says Rabbi Cohen, “the man before me was a taxi driver. Why does he get special attention?”
“Up here, it’s all about results,” says Gabriel. “When you sermonized, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”
🤣
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Two Burglars Come Down A Chimney…🤣
A young man knocks on the door of a great Talmudic scholar.
“Rabbi, I wish to study Talmud.”
“Do you know Aramaic?”
“No.”
“Hebrew?”
“No.”
“Have you ever studied Torah?”
“No, Rabbi, but I graduated from Harvard summa cum laude in philosophy, and received a PhD from Yale. I’d like to round out my education with a bit of Talmud.”
“I doubt that you are ready for Talmud. It is the broadest and deepest of books. If you wish, however, I will examine you in logic, and if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud.”
“Good. I’m well versed in logic.”
“First question. Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
”The burglar with the dirty face.”
“Wrong. The one with the clean face. Examine the logic. The burglar with a dirty face looks at the one with a clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face looks at the burglar with a dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes.”
“Very clever. Another question please.”
“Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
“We established that. The burglar with the clean face washes.”
“Wrong. Both wash. Examine the logic. The one with a dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face thinks his face is dirty. So the burglar with a clean face washes. When the one with a dirty face sees him washing, however, he realizes his face must be dirty too. Thus both wash.”
“I didn’t think of that. Please ask me another.”
“Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
“Well, we know both wash.”
“Wrong. Neither washes. Examine the logic. The one with the dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face thinks his face is dirty. But when clean-face sees that dirty-face doesn’t bother to wash, he also doesn’t bother. So neither washes. As you can see, you are not ready for Talmud.”
“Rabbi, please, give me one more test.”
“Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
“Neither!”
“Wrong. And perhaps now you will see why Harvard and Yale cannot prepare you for Talmud. Tell me, how is it possible that two men come down the same chimney, and one emerges with a clean face, while the other has a dirty face?”
“But you’ve just given me four contradictory answers to the same question! That’s impossible!”
“No, my son, that’s Talmud.”
🤣
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