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Jewish Jokes

Our Favorite Jewish Jokes

Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
 

All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.

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Latest Jokes

  • Tell Me Something Good 🤣

    Esther and Shmuly Rothenberg are getting ready for bed. Esther stares at her reflection in a full-length mirror. “All I see in this mirror is an old woman. Wrinkles, bags under my eyes, fat on my legs, flab on my arms. Shmuly, tell me something positive so I can feel better about myself.”

    Shmuly considers this for a long moment and then says thoughtfully, “Well, Esther, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

    Services for Shmuly Rothenberg will be held Tuesday morning at Sinai Memorial Chapel.

    🤣

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  • Sam Goes To Church 🤣

    Sam goes on a business trip to a new city and can’t find a synagogue. He figures God is everywhere, so he enters a church for morning prayers. He takes a seat in the back, puts on his prayer shawl and tefillin, and starts praying silently.

    The priest enters, observes the whispering of his congregants and steps up to the front of the room.

    “Good morning. Before we begin, I’d like to request that all non-Catholics please leave.”

    Sam keeps rocking back and forth, deep in his prayers.

    “Will all non-Catholics please leave!”

    No response from Sam. Everyone looks to see what the priest will do.

    “Will all JEWS please LEAVE NOW!”

    Sam finishes praying, stows his prayer shawl and tefillin in their bags, and walks to the front of the room. He passes the priest without saying a word and approaches the altar, where he picks up a statue of baby Jesus.

    “Come bubbela, they don’t want us here anymore.”

    🤣

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  • Back in the U.S.S.R. 🤣

    In the 1970s, a Red Army school inspector questions a boy in class.

    “Who is your father?”

    “The Soviet Union.”

    “Who is your mother?”

    “The communist party.”

    “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    “I want to be a worker for the glory of the state and the party.”

    The inspector then points to one of the girls.

    “Who is your father?”

    “The Soviet Union.”

    “Who is your mother?”

    “The communist party.”

    “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    “A heroine of the Soviet Union raising many children for the state and the party.”

    The inspector spots a Jewish boy in the back of the classroom trying to lay low.

    “What’s your name?”

    “Shmuly Rabinovich.”

    “Who is your father?”

    “The Soviet Union.”

    “Who is your mother?”

    “The communist party.”

    “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    “An orphan.”

    🤣

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  • The Concert Hall 🤣

    A visitor to Israel attends a performance of the Israeli Philharmonic in the Schechter Concert Hall.

    Impressed by its architecture and the acoustics, he turns to his neighbor during the intermission and asks, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Aryeh Schechter, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

    “No, it’s named after Mike Schechter, the writer.”

    “Oh, I haven’t heard of him. What did he write?”

    “A check.”

    🤣

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  • That’s a Lot of Pills! 🤣

    Mrs. Goldberg hasn’t been feeling well, so she goes to the doctor.  He listens to her extensive list of concerns, performs the examination, and returns with three bottles of pills.

    “When you wake up, please take 3 green pills with a big glass of water. Then take 4 blue pills with a big glass of water before lunch, and then 2 more blue pills with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take 5 red pills with another big glass of water.”

    “That’s a lot of pills! Doctor, be honest with me. What exactly is my diagnosis?”

    “You don’t drink enough water.”

    🤣

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  • A Rabbi, A Hindu Priest, And A Politician Went Hiking 🤣

    A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

    They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

    The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

    The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

    The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.

    “So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

    The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.

    The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

    “So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

    The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

    The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

    🤣

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  • Business Experience 🤣

    Diamond runs into his pal Goldberg at the mall.

    “Goldberg, it’s been months! How’s that new company going with Silverman?”

    “Well, like I told you we formed it, I put in the money and Silverman put in the business experience. Since then, things have changed.”

    “Changed? What do you mean?”

    “Now Silverman has the money and I have the business experience.”

    🤣

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    Image: the pic is a story in itself! The Jewish Al Capones, Hirshie, Max and Davie Miller.

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  • The Aisle Seat 🤣

    Old Sid Finkel was very particular about air travel. He specifically asked the airline for a window seat. When the time came to check in, however, he was given an aisle seat. All his complaints met with, “Sorry sir, there’s nothing we can do.”

    During the entire trip, he fidgeted, squirmed and kvetched. When the plane landed Syd went straight to customer service.

    “I specifically asked for a window seat! I got hit by the drink cart. There was a man snoring across the aisle. A child spilled juice on me. It was miserable! Now I specifically asked for a window seat when I purchased the ticket and your airline told me I would get one. But see! Look at my boarding pass. Aisle seat.”

    “I’m very sorry, sir. Did you by any chance try to trade seats with the person sitting next to you?”

    “That was impossible!”

    “Why, sir?”

    “Because there was nobody in that seat!”

    🤣

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    Image by Todd Lappin

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  • Einstein’s Theory of Relativity 🤣

    Few people understand what Einstein discovered. Even fewer understood it while he lived.

    A crusty old Jew from the old country once asked his grandson what all the fuss was about.

    “Professor Einstein is the greatest living scientist,” his grandson replied.

    “This I have heard, but what did he invent?”

    “The Theory of Relativity.”

    “And you do what with it?”

    “It’s pretty complicated, Grandpa.”

    “It wasn’t complicated getting away from the Nazis? Tell it to me!”

    “Let me put it this way… if a guy’s girlfriend sits on his lap, an hour feels like a minute. But if the same guy sits on a hot stove, a minute feels like an hour. That’s the Theory of Relativity.”

    “Hmph. And from this your Einstein makes a living?”

    🤣

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  • Napoleon’s Jewish Commander 🤣

    After winning a battle that vastly expanded his empire, Napoleon summoned his commanders to a celebration.

    “Gentlemen, today I reward your courage! Ask and it shall be granted!”

    The Bavarian commander said, “Autonomy for Bavaria!”

    “So it shall be!”

    The Slovakian commander said, “Liberty for Slovakia!”

    “So it shall be!”

    And so it went for the Arabian and the Ukrainian generals.

    Finally, the commander of the Jewish legion stepped forward.

    “And what for you, my loyal friend?”

    “I would like a cup of hot coffee with milk and no sugar, two bagels with cream cheese, and some lox on the side.”

    “Bring my friend his breakfast immediately!”

    As the Jewish commander sat down to eat, the other commanders gaped in amazement.

    “You fool!” said the Bavarian commander. “Why make such a stupid request? You could have asked for a nation, or riches and power! Why waste your wish on bagels?”

    “At least I got what I asked for.”

    🤣

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    Adapted from Two Bagels on Philip Chircop’s blog.

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