Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Latest Jokes
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The Praying Parrot 🤣
Yankel bought a parrot, hoping it might learn to say a few words. The next morning, he found the bird on the eastern side of its cage, rocking back and forth, mumbling. Stooping to listen, Yankel was shocked to hear his new parrot praying in Hebrew.
“You’re Jewish?!”
“Of course. Modern Orthodox. Are we going to shul on Rosh Hashanah?”
“You want me to take you to synagogue?! This is unbelievable. Is this some kind of secret? Can I tell my friends about you?”
“Tell anyone you want. Now let me finish davening.”
Yankel immediately started bragging about his Jewish parrot. No one believed him, so he started taking bets.By Rosh Hashanah he had a thousand dollars riding on the bird.
On the Day of Judgement, Yankel proudly set his parrot in front of the room. Everyone stared, even the rabbi, who bet twenty bucks against any parrot praying.
Yankel urged it to pray. People started chuckling around the room.
The parrot clucked a few times like any bird of its kind, but it didn’t pray.Yankel lost a thousand bucks.
Back at home, Yankel grabbed the parrot by its scrawny neck.
“Now you better start praying, you little twit! You humiliated me! You’re a dead bird!”
“Don’t be a shmuck, Yankel! Yom Kippur’s next week. Everyone looks forward all year to the cantor singing Kol Nidrei on Yom Kippur. Tell everyone I’ll sing Kol Nidrei.”
“Why would I do that?! You didn’t even pray in shul today!”
“Exactly. Think of the odds you’ll get!”
🤣
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Live Long And Prosper 🤣
Yitzy visits the doctor for his annual check-up.
“Yitzy, you’re in terrific shape for a 60-year-old. You have the body of a 35 year old. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father died?”
“Wow! How old is he, and is he active?”
“Dad’s 82 and skis or surfs three times a week.”
“Amazing! How old was your grandfather when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather died?”
“You’re kidding. How old is he, and is he active?”
“Grandpa is 102, still skis and surfs, and he’s getting married again.”
“Why on earth would a 102-year-old want to get married again?”
“Who said he wanted to? His mother pressured him into it!”
🤣
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Image by Neil Moralee via Flickr
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The Memorial Wall 🤣
On Rosh Hashanah morning the rabbi noticed little Sammy staring up at the plaque in the synagogue lobby. It was covered with names, and American flags stood on either side. The seven-year old had been staring at the memorial for some time, so the rabbi walked up and said, “Shana tova, Sammy. May you be inscribed for a good year.”
“Shana tova, Rabbi,”answered Sammy, but he was still focused on the plaque.
The rabbi was about to leave when Sammy asked, “Rabbi, what is this?”
“Well, Sammy, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service.”
Silently, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally Sammy whispered, “Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”
🤣
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Tell Me Something Good 🤣
Esther and Shmuly Rothenberg are getting ready for bed. Esther stares at her reflection in a full-length mirror. “All I see in this mirror is an old woman. Wrinkles, bags under my eyes, fat on my legs, flab on my arms. Shmuly, tell me something positive so I can feel better about myself.”
Shmuly considers this for a long moment and then says thoughtfully, “Well, Esther, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Services for Shmuly Rothenberg will be held Tuesday morning at Sinai Memorial Chapel.
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Sam Goes To Church 🤣
Sam goes on a business trip to a new city and can’t find a synagogue. He figures God is everywhere, so he enters a church for morning prayers. He takes a seat in the back, puts on his prayer shawl and tefillin, and starts praying silently.
The priest enters, observes the whispering of his congregants and steps up to the front of the room.
“Good morning. Before we begin, I’d like to request that all non-Catholics please leave.”
Sam keeps rocking back and forth, deep in his prayers.
“Will all non-Catholics please leave!”
No response from Sam. Everyone looks to see what the priest will do.
“Will all JEWS please LEAVE NOW!”
Sam finishes praying, stows his prayer shawl and tefillin in their bags, and walks to the front of the room. He passes the priest without saying a word and approaches the altar, where he picks up a statue of baby Jesus.
“Come bubbela, they don’t want us here anymore.”
🤣
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Back in the U.S.S.R. 🤣
In the 1970s, a Red Army school inspector questions a boy in class.
“Who is your father?”
“The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be a worker for the glory of the state and the party.”
The inspector then points to one of the girls.
“Who is your father?”
“The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A heroine of the Soviet Union raising many children for the state and the party.”
The inspector spots a Jewish boy in the back of the classroom trying to lay low.
“What’s your name?”
“Shmuly Rabinovich.”
“Who is your father?”
“The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“An orphan.”
🤣
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The Concert Hall 🤣
A visitor to Israel attends a performance of the Israeli Philharmonic in the Schechter Concert Hall.
Impressed by its architecture and the acoustics, he turns to his neighbor during the intermission and asks, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Aryeh Schechter, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No, it’s named after Mike Schechter, the writer.”
“Oh, I haven’t heard of him. What did he write?”
“A check.”
🤣
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That’s a Lot of Pills! 🤣
Mrs. Goldberg hasn’t been feeling well, so she goes to the doctor. He listens to her extensive list of concerns, performs the examination, and returns with three bottles of pills.
“When you wake up, please take 3 green pills with a big glass of water. Then take 4 blue pills with a big glass of water before lunch, and then 2 more blue pills with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take 5 red pills with another big glass of water.”
“That’s a lot of pills! Doctor, be honest with me. What exactly is my diagnosis?”
“You don’t drink enough water.”
🤣
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A Rabbi, A Hindu Priest, And A Politician Went Hiking 🤣
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.
🤣
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Business Experience 🤣
Diamond runs into his pal Goldberg at the mall.
“Goldberg, it’s been months! How’s that new company going with Silverman?”
“Well, like I told you we formed it, I put in the money and Silverman put in the business experience. Since then, things have changed.”
“Changed? What do you mean?”
“Now Silverman has the money and I have the business experience.”
🤣
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Image: the pic is a story in itself! The Jewish Al Capones, Hirshie, Max and Davie Miller.
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