Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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The Coming Flood 🤣
As a result of climate change, a new flood is predicted by the world’s top scientists. They announce it will be horrendous, wiping out over 70 percent of the world’s population.
And it will happen in four days.
To comfort the people of the world, the Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Chief Rabbi of Israel appear on TV.
The Pope says, “My children, there is still time to accept Jesus as your savior.”
The Dalai Lama says, “I ask all of you to follow Buddhist teachings, so that you may find inner peace in the midst of disaster.”
The Chief Rabbi says, “My people, we have four days to learn how to live underwater!”
The Rabbi’s Watch 🤣
Naughty little Benny stole the Rabbi’s gold watch.
That night he couldn’t sleep, so the next morning he went to the Rabbi’s office before school.
“Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.”
“Benny, that’s a big sin. Return it to the owner immediately.”
“Do you want it?”
“No, I said return it to its owner.”
“But he doesn’t want it.”
“Ah, in that case, you can keep it.”
Lady, I’m Not A Nice Man 🤣
She hurried into the pharmacy, got the medicine, and hustled back to the car. Only then did she realize she’d locked her keys inside.
Not giving up, she looked around for a tool.
She spotted a rusty coat hanger. She tried to open the door. Failed.
“I don’t know how to do this. God, please, please, please send help!”
A moment later, a scraggly biker pulled up.
“Lady, you need a hand?”
“Yes! My daughter is sick. I have the medicine, but I locked my keys in the car. Can you open it with this hanger?”
Nine seconds later, the car was open.
“Thank You, God, for sending such a nice man!”
“Lady, I’m not a nice man. I got out of prison yesterday. I did three years for car theft.”
She gave the man a hug.
“And thank You, God, for sending a professional!”
With thanks to Rabbi Yisroel Hecht
Image by Mattia Panciroli via Flickr
The Brisket 🤣
A young mother is preparing brisket one Friday before Rosh Hashanah. Her little daughter watches with interest as she slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.
“Mom, why do you cut off the ends?”
“You know, I’m not sure. This is the way Grandma always did it. Let’s call her and ask.”
“Hi, Mom. We were just wondering why you cut off the ends of the brisket before roasting?”
“Hmm. To be honest, I’m not sure. Let’s all go visit my mother and ask her.”
“Oh, what a joy! My daughter, granddaughter and great-grand-daughter all on the same day!”
“Mom, we were just wondering why you cut off the ends of the brisket before roasting?”
“Well, I don’t know why you do it, but I never had a pan that was big enough!”
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If The Man Who Found This Is A Liar And A Thief 🤣
A poor Jew finds a money clip with $700 in it. At his synagogue, he reads a notice saying that a wealthy congregant lost his money clip and is offering a $100 reward for it. He spots the owner and gives him the clip.
The rich man counts the money and says, “I see you already took your reward.”
The poor man answers, “What?”
“This clip had $800 in it when I lost it.”
They begin arguing, and eventually come before the rabbi.
Both state their case. The rich man concludes by saying, “Rabbi, I trust you believe me.”
The rabbi says, “Of course,” and the rich man smiles. The poor man is crushed.
Then the rabbi hands the clip to the poor man.
“What are you doing?!” yells the rich man.
The rabbi answers, “You are, of course, an honest man, and you say the clip you lost had $800 in it. Therefore I’m sure it did. But if the man who found this clip is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all. Which means that this clip must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money. Until then, it belongs to the man who found it.”
“What about my money?” the rich man asks.
“Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds a clip with $800 in it…”
The Complaining Congregant 🤣
During his first service leading the community, the new rabbi noticed an older congregant walk over to the synagogue president and demand rather loudly that the air conditioning be turned down because it was too cold.
The president nodded kindly and took care of it.
Just a few prayers later, the same congregant asked the president to have the air conditioning turned up because it was too hot.
Not long after, it was too cold for the congregant, and then too hot, etc. all morning long.
The president always nodded kindly and took care of it.
After services, the new rabbi said to the president, “I was very impressed with your patience in handling the individual who kept complaining about the air conditioner.
“It’s no big deal. We don’t have an air conditioner.”
A 3,000 Year Old Mummy 🤣
A famous Israeli archaeologist was digging in the Negev when he discovered a mummy – a highly unusual occurrence.
He immediately called the head of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy who died of heart failure!”
“Bring him in. We’ll have him examined.”
A week later, the archaeologist was called in.
“You were right about the mummy’s age and his cause of death. How on earth did you know?”
“My friend, I have 35 years’ experience. And he was holding a parchment that said 10,000 shekels on Goliath.”
Watch Sal Tell It!
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Dear Lord, Lend Me Strength To…🤣
“Dear Lord, so far today, I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
“Thank you, Lord, for lending me the strength to do that.
“But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to need a lot more help, because I’m getting out of bed…”
Shabbat With The Mayor 🤣
In an effort to better understand his Jewish constituents, the Mayor reached out to a popular Rabbi.
The Rabbi invited the Mayor to spend Shabbat at his home.
The Rabbi made Kiddush (blessing) Friday night on a full cup of wine.
After the fish, they made a l’chaim (a toast to life) on some fine Scotch.
The main course came with Israeli wine.
They said grace after meal with another cup of wine.
The next day they made Kiddush on wine at the synagogue.
After the service, they ate crackers with herring and made a few l’chaims on schnapps.
They went home and the Rabbi made Kiddush for his family on another cup of wine, some l’chaim after fish, a nice single malt with the cholent (stew) and some more wine for grace after the meal.
And then when it got dark, another cup of wine for Havdalah (end of Shabbat).
The Mayor said to the Rabbi, “I had a wonderful time! Thank you for sharing Shabbat with me. I still don’t get why you can’t turn the lights off, but I do understand why you don’t drive!”
Praying for Rain 🤣
Once in the old country, it hadn’t rained for months. Hunger was setting in, and the villagers were getting desperate.
The Rabbi decreed that all the men would pray for rain on a nearby mountaintop.
They did so, and… no rain.
They resolved to climb the mountain again the following day, and bring their wives and children.
They did, and… still no rain.
The following day they brought the old, the sick, and the babies.
Still no rain.
Next day, they brought along every chicken, goat, horse, and donkey in the village.
The Rabbi raised his eyes to the sky and said, “Why, G-d?! Why don’t you hear our prayers?!”
A voice from Heaven answered, “BECAUSE YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN PRAYER!”
“Why do you say we don’t believe?”
“BECAUSE NOBODY BROUGHT AN UMBRELLA!”
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