Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
Get more Accidental Talmudist jokes right in your inbox! Sign up for our weekly newsletter.
The Debutante Ball 🤣
It’s 1958, and the captain of the US Navy base in Biloxi, Mississippi gets a call.
“Captain, my name is Amelia Ainsley. Of the Biloxi Ainsleys, as I’m sure you are aware?”
“I’m new to the area, ma’am.”
“Well, Captain, when an Ainsley comes out at a debutante ball, it’s quite the thing. And this is my daughter’s year. I would like you to send over four young officers, handsome of course. Impeccably dressed, unmarried, and well-bred.”
“I suppose we have some boys like that.”
“They should expect an evening of polite conversation, proper dancing, and a bit of punch. No drunkenness. Oh, and Captain, I’m sure it goes without saying, but no Jews. We surely don’t like Jews, particularly at an Ainsley affair.”
“Copy that, ma’am. No Jews it is.”
The night arrives, and Mrs. Ainsley opens the door of Ainsley Hall to find four handsome, impeccably dressed, African-American naval officers on her porch.
“Uh…. uh… there must be some mistake!”
“Oh no, ma’am, Captain Cohen doesn’t make mistakes.”
The Secret To A Good Sermon… As Told By George Burns 🤣
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Watch Sal Tell It!
Get the best of Accidental Talmudist in your inbox: sign up for our monthly newsletter.
The 100 to 1 Lemon Bet 🤣
Big John was the strongest man around. He was so sure of it, he had a standing 100-to-1 bet.
He’d squeeze a whole lemon into a glass.
Then he’d the hand the peel to any challenger. If the man could squeeze out a single drop more, Big John would pay him 100 to 1.
Many people tried – weight-lifters, rowers, wrestlers, boxers – but nobody could do it, and Big John made a tidy sum taking their bets.
One day, Sidney Hymanwasser approached Big John in a pub, and laid $100 on the bar.
Big John and his pals looked down at scrawny Sidney, all 5 feet 2 inches of him, and laughed.
“Happy to take your money, little fella.”
A lemon was brought out, and Big John filled a whiskey glass with its juice.
Every patron in the pub chuckled as Big John handed the wrinkled peel to Sidney.
The smaller man wrapped his hands around it, and squeezed.
Shock filled the room, as not one, but four drops fell into the glass!
Scowling, Big John counted off $10,000 and asked, “What are you, a circus act or something?”
“No, chairman of my temple’s building fund.”
Yeshiva University Offers a New Sport: Rowing 🤣
Yeshiva University decides to offer a new sport: rowing. Unfortunately, the team loses one race after another. Though they train for hours every day, they always finish dead last.
Finally the team sends captain Tzvi Kepplestein to spy on Harvard, the perennial champions.
Tzvi drives up to Cambridge and hides in the bushes beside the Charles River. He watches the Harvard crew practice for a week, and carefully takes notes.
Upon his return to Yeshiva U, Tzvi gathers his teammates.
“I figured out their secret.”
“Baruch HaShem! What is it? Tell us!”
“We should only have one guy yelling, and the other eight row.”
Image: Harvard crew on the Charles, 1986. Accidental Talmudist is the one in a hat.
Four Nuns Were About To Take Their Vows When…🤣
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them “Brides of Christ.”
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, “I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?”
“We’re from the groom’s family.”
Image thanks to Amy Otto
A Texan Was Driving Through Israel During Sukkot…🤣
A Texan was driving through Israel during Sukkot and began to feel thirsty.
Because of the holiday, he couldn’t find anything open.
Noticing a sukkah (festival dwelling) by the side of the road, he stopped and met the owner.
“Can you give me a drink of water?”
“Of course,” said the Israeli, and invited the Texan into his sukkah.
His thirst quenched, the Texan asked, “What do you do?”
“I raise vegetables and have a few chickens.”
“Really? I’m a farmer too. How much land do you have?”
“Well,” said the Israeli, “out front it’s a good fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of fine land. And you?”
“Well,” says the Texan, “on my ranch, I can have breakfast, get in my car, drive all day, and I don’t reach the end of my property until dinnertime.”
“Hawh! I know what you mean – I once had a car like that too.”
An EL AL Holiday Flight 🤣
As the holiday flight landed at Ben Gurion airport, the Captain announced:
“Welcome to Israel! Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until our plane comes to a complete stop. I repeat, do not stand up until the seat belt signs have been turned off.
“For those of you still in your seats, we wish you a very Merry Christmas!
“For those standing in the aisles, Happy Hanukkah!”
The Parking Spot 🤣
Meyer Davidovich was late for an important meeting, and couldn’t find parking. Two times, three times, four times he circled the block.
“Please, Lord, please! Find me a parking spot and I’ll give up gambling, and drinking, and lying! I’ll keep Shabbos! I’ll even go kosher!”
Immediately, a car pulls out in front of Meyer, and he zips into the open spot.
“Never mind, Lord! I already found one.”
Watch Sal Tell It!
Get the best of Accidental Talmudist in your inbox:
An Interfaith Conference 🤣
At an interfaith conference, a priest, a minister and a rabbi were asked, “What would you like people to say about you at your funeral?”
The priest said, “I hope they’ll say I cared for the weakest and most vulnerable members of our community.”
The minister said, “I hope they’ll say I inspired my flock to go out and make a difference in the world.”
The rabbi said, “I hope they’ll say, ‘Look, he’s breathing!'”
Will The Rabbi Try The Ham? 🤣
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding!”