Milt and Irv have been going to Dodger games together for fifty years. They have a long-running argument about whether there is baseball in heaven. The two old friends make a pact that whoever gets to heaven first will find a way to communicate with the other and answer the question they’ve wondered about for so long.

Milt dies first. And that night, he comes to Irv in a dream and says, “I have good news and bad news.”

“What’s the good news?” Irv asks.

“The good news is there’s baseball in heaven!”

“And the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow.”

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A priest and a rabbi are old friends who like to rib each other.

The priest says to the rabbi, “Too bad in your business there’s no room for moving up. Once a rabbi, always a rabbi.”

The rabbi asks, “And in your line of work you can move up?”

“Well if I work really hard, I can become a bishop.”

“Huh. And then what?”

“If I play my cards just right, I just might become a cardinal.”

“Huh. And then what?”

“Well after that it’s possible that I can actually become pope!”

“Huh, and then what?”

“What do you mean and then what? I can’t become God Himself!”

“One of our boysmade it!”

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Barry is leaving for college and his father gives him one last piece of advice: “Son, don’t date a shiksa. Date Jewish girls because shiksas will only cause trouble!”

Barry doesn’t listen. He falls in love with a beautiful blonde non-Jewish girl and they decide to get married, to the chagrin of Barry’s father. Barry tells his dad that she’s converting to Judaism, but it’s no use. The old man, who’s not even religious, is furious.

They get married, and Katie takes her conversion very seriously. She becomes a pious Orthodox Jew.

Years later, Barry’s father gets a boat, and he invites the whole family for a day of sailing. Barry says, “Sorry, Dad, we can’t come. It’s Shabbos.” And Barry’s dad responds, “Didn’t I tell you the shiksa would cause trouble?!”

This one’s very Jewish, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it!

About 100 years ago, Yankel from Brooklyn took a train to Texas for a business trip. He was nervous because he’d heard wild tales of outlaws in the Lone Star State, and antisemitism too.

Sure enough, as the train approached Dallas, several large men wearing cowboy hats entered his car. The biggest one said, “Are there any Jews on this train?”

Yankel was terrified.

“I said, are there any Jews on this train??”

Yankel sank lower in his seat, praying he wouldn’t be noticed.

The huge cowboy walked right up to Yankel and towering over him said, “For the last time, are there any Jews on this train?”

Realizing there was no way out, Yankel said, “Yeah, I’m a Jew.”

“Great!” said the Texan. “We need a tenth for a minyan!”

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Four Jewish ladies are having lunch in Miami. They’re old friends and after a few glasses of wine they start spilling their secrets.

The first one says, “I’m a klepto, but I never stole anything from any of you.”

The second one says “I’m a flirt. But I never flirted with any of your husbands.”

The third one says, “I’m a lesbian. But I never set my eye on any of you.”

The fourth one says, “I’m a gossip. I’d tell you more, but I gotta go make some calls….”

The first Jewish president is elected and he calls his mother in Miami Beach.

“Mom, you’re coming to the inauguration!”

“Oh I don’t know, flying is such a pain these days..”

“Mom, you’re flying on Air Force One!”

“Yeah but finding a cab at the airport….”

“Mom, the presidential limo will pick you up!”

“But a hotel room, especially during the inauguration….”

“Mom, you’re staying in the Lincoln bedroom!”

So she finally agrees. At the inauguration the president’s mother is sitting in the front row. As her son gets sworn in, she turns to the fellow beside her.

“You see that man with his hand on the Bible?”

“Yes…”

“His brother’s a doctor!”

🤣

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A priest, a minister and a rabbit show up to a blood drive.

The nurse asks the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”

The rabbit says, “I’m probably a type O.”

🤣

The week-long holiday of Sukkot is approaching and Moishe Edelstein just finished building a sukkah on his apartment balcony. But when the landlord sees it, he becomes furious and tells Moshe it’s a fire hazard and must be taken down.Moishe insists that building a sukkah is a 3300 year old religious obligation, but the landlord isn’t swayed and the case winds up in court.

The landlord explains to the judge that Moishe’s sukkah is an unsightly safety hazard that violates the lease.

Moishe explains that he’s simply exercising his religious freedom.

Judge Goldberg considers the case and finally tells Moishe, “I’m sorry Mr. Edelstein, your landlord is right, you need to take down the sukkah. You have eight days to comply.”

🤣

Ernie Schwartz is an out-of-work actor who’s reduced to applying for a job as a gorilla impersonator. When he gets it, he’s shocked to discover that he’ll be working at the Central Park Zoo, where budgets cuts have made it impossible to replace the old gorilla who passed away.

Ernie puts on the costume, gets in the enclosure, goes through the act, and starts to realize that the kids love it. And he gets into it because he’s an entertainer, after all. He’s beating his chest, eating the bananas, swinging on vines, and he gets so into it that when he’s swinging on one of those vines, he ends up going out of the gorilla enclosure and lands right in the lion’s den.

The king of beasts comes over and starts growling right in Ernie’s face. Terrified, Ernie can’t think of anything to say except the prayer that a Jew recites right before he dies: “Shma Israel, Hashem Elokeinu, Hashem echad.” And he’s shocked when the lion pauses his growl and responds, “Baruch shem kavod malchuto l’olam vaed.”

Then over from the bear enclosure someone hisses, “Will you guys shut up? You’re going to get us all fired!”

🤣

Stanley’s having coffee in his palatial home when there’s a knock on the door. It’s the Rabbi.He says, “Stanley, we have a very important new initiative at the synagogue. We’re building a preschool that’s going to ensure the future of our community! And Stanley, we really need your help in a significant way.”

Stanley replies, “Rabbi, I got a kid in college, he wants to go to law school. I got another kid in college, she wants to go to medical school. I got a cousin on the verge of bankruptcy who needs a bridge loan or his whole life is going to fall apart. I got an aunt who needs a lifesaving operation. And rabbi, if I can say no to them, I can say no to you!”

😂